pushing anyone who got in my way out of the way, kicking through doors, fighting & working & fighting as damn hard as I could to make something give
beating against the wall, fists pounding on wood, trying to find that one weak spot
“let go of it all” I told myself “become a machine. that is what they want you to be. that is how you win”
become ruthless. become inhuman. be a machine. be a machine. be invincible. coat yourself in iron armor. build a suit where nothing will ever hurt or touch or lovingly caress your skin. become unfeeling. be a machine. become what you do & not who you are. you must protect yourself. you must not let anyone get too close. you must not let anyone know the person you really are. you must protect yourself. stop feeling. fight. fight. fight. fight. fight, even if it makes you bitter, even if it makes you cynical. cut yourself off from feeling this way. cut yourself off.
yet there is a price to pay / you win the game, in some aspects, but you are left behind, the underdog, unfulfilled, unhappy, unseen, unknown, lost / lost / you will all the wars but lose all your soul / you become what they want you to be, but not what they need you to be / not what you need to be
because all along, the answer wasn’t less heart, but more / all along, the advice you needed wasn’t less soul, but more
& the fight doesn’t have to make you bitter
it doesn’t have to make you cynical
it doesn’t have to make you heartless
maybe you just need more heart, more soul / maybe you can only be strong if you know how to be vulnerable
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★ Walk On – U2. I love this song for so many reasons, but probably my favorite line in the song? “What you got, they can’t steal it. No they can’t even feel it.” They can’t take anything away from you. They cannot confine you. You can leave them behind. You are not trapped.
★ Sweet Thing – Van Morrison. A beautiful epiphany in a song. The multi-layered instrumentation is phenomenal & magical & perfect. Soaring flutes. The tender melody & lyrics. Ebullient guitar. One of my all time favorite songs.
★ You Still Believe In Me – The Beach Boys. The comforting knowledge that even after everything that has happened or will happen, that there is a constant person who has your back & will believe in you, no matter what.
★ Crowded House. I started listening to more Crowded House recently. The song that made me start loving their music was Archer’s Arrows (which is a phenomenal & fantastic song). Then I heard Don’t Dream It’s Over (see below), & fell in love with that too. I haven’t heard that many songs of theirs yet, but I’ve liked what I’ve heard so far. Their songs are very aesthetically pleasing, & very atmospheric. They’re the kind of songs I would like to work into a variety of playlists.
★ Vanilla Talenti Gelato. Seriously. Try this with rainbow sprinkles. It’s seriously THE BEST. Rainbow sprinkles make good things even better. Gelato somehow always manages to taste elegant & make you feel elegant while you’re eating it. I also love Talenti, because they keep their ingredients simple & to the point, & produce an awesome product. Fun fact : my father usually refers to my Gelato as “ice cream”, a term which I don’t think encompasses the awesomeness & quality of Gelato.
★ Ducktrap Smoked Salmon & Ducktrap Smoked Trout. I am a huge fan of smoked fish. A huge fan. Their smoked salmon with dill is AMAZING, & I am so in love right now with their smoked trout, which I just recently tried. The smoked trout tastes like a combination between fresh smoked herring fillets and smoked salmon. One thing I love about both the smoked trout & the smoked salmon is that the fillets of them are nice, thick, & wholesome, which is even better than the thin fillets more commonly found. Also, I want to put dill on everything now. I recently made homemade guacamole with dill in it, & it was great.
★ Jamming Baby Owls. BABY OWLS DANCING. Owls are the best thing ever.
★ John Owen-Jones Singing “Who Am I?” From Les Miserables. I love this song with a passion, & John Owen-Jones is the very best at singing it. He fills it with an emotion & evocative vulnerability that I haven’t heard in other renditions of the song. It is the most real, honest version, & because of this, a favorite.
★ Colorful socks inside my awesome sparkly jelly shoes. Right now, I am especially loving my photo print strawberry socks, but since I bought the jelly shoes, I have bought a lot of cute, colorful novelty socks, just for wearing inside my jelly shoes.
★ My canvas medic bag. I wear this bag in a lot of the fashion photos I take, & it’s my go-to bag for everyday usage. Ever since my Indiana Jones phase as a teen, I wanted a bag like this. I finally found one which appropriately matches the one in the films. I love it because it is sturdy, holds a lot of stuff, is comfortable & easy to wear, & just looks cool. Looking cool is the primary reason. It adds a ruggedness & uniqueness to any outfit I add it to.
★ Knee Socks with Jelly Shoes or Combat Boots. I will be posting photos of this combination soon, but it looks tough but feminine at the same time, & also allows me to include the edginess of combat boots while still showing off all my cool, patterned knee socks.
★ Laying on the floor with my dog & playing fetch with him when I get home from work. He looks forward to this, & would seriously play for hours on end if I didn’t get tired of throwing his toys for him.
★ Learning how to drive. I didn’t learn when I was younger because I had no need to, but I’m learning now, & it’s going great!
★ Earning my GED & passing all the subjects the first time around. I got honors on Reasoning Through Language Arts and in Social Studies, & was one point away from honors in Science. This was something I’d wanted to do for a long time, & I’m so proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.
★ “When nothing is sure, everything is possible.” ― Margaret Drabble. Embrace the confusion. Now that you have nothing to lose & maybe nothing to prove, you can do anything. Now that you’re confused & uncertain & scared of the changes going on around you, you can turn this into anything. You have a blank canvas from which you can paint & create & shape into whatever feels best for you.