So Long, Lonesome Place – Poetry Book Sample Chapter

So Long, Lonesome by Ashlee Craft Book Cover

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& I Won’t Have to Forge My Own Dark Road

it seems radical to me, all of this / & I’m so afraid I won’t be able to handle it (was any of it real anyways?) / but I do have to keep in mind, in all my moments of doubt & self-questioning, is how many countless others before me have done the same thing that I am doing now, & succeeded in doing so / how many others before me went off & forged their own pathways rather than following in the footsteps others had carved out before them & blindly listening to the instructions mumbled to them in poor faith / how many of them not only survived the falling out, but thrived because of it?

I think about that lady I used to know, with the curly brown hair, & how she used to always go to the little cafe I went to / I think about how when I saw her, months after she left him, how they asked her, “don’t you miss him?” / & I remember how she tossed her head happily & with defiance, & said, “not at all” / she laughed, explaining she didn’t miss being a slave to him, how she would never go back to living that way / & I didn’t feel that I’d miss it either, & didn’t fear it

I think about all those who left, even those who left & then came back – how even then they came back because they wanted to, because it was the right thing for them now & not because they were forced & obligated to be anything different than what they were / they came back to it, because even after all the thundering discouragement, they still felt that longing on both lonely nights & happy days that there was something else they should be doing

I think about the other girl I knew, who told me that it could be great, but how too much would be expected of me being in that condemned union, & how it wasn’t fair to me to stay in with him / “get out while you still can” she told me – “before you’re broken by them.”

& I think about him, who told me that it wasn’t worth it, it wasn’t worth destroying myself over something so trivial : someone who would never love me as much as I had loved him / “don’t kill yourself over it” / it made no sense to me to be a slave to someone I could not treasure any longer

I am new to this pathway but it is not new to those I have known

& certainly not new to the world –

they have all done it; so can I,

& I will do the same thing that all before me have done,

& it will all turn out fine, as it has for those brave path-forgers before me.

I will be okay

I will be okay; I will be more than okay

& there is nothing wrong with taking this first step, & claiming back my freedom / there is nothing radical about it & nothing shocking & nothing wrong in standing on the edge of the wall & declaring to the sea wind that I DESERVE something BETTER / it is my freedom I am seeking, & it is my freedom I will face

you missed your chance

I am tired of wasting my love
on someone who could never love me back

I would have done anything for you;
don’t you know that?
walked a thousand miles
on the burning sands of hell
if you would have asked me to,
cut open my skin & bled on the ground –
touched the surface of the sun –
burnt myself out until I was hollow & dead inside –
if you would have only asked

I gave you all of my passion; you gave me an empty gaze not returned in mirrors
I gave you all of my thoughts; you couldn’t even tell me what day of the week it was
I gave you all of my loyalty; you turned your cheek & kissed her instead
I gave you all of my devotion; you forgot about me as soon as I left your house
I gave you all of my time; the minute it would have taken you to call was too much
I gave you all of my dreams; you told me they were ridiculous & outlandish fables
I gave you all of my love; you watched me bleeding alone & walked the other way

I became you : I became all that you wanted me to be
& what did I get in return?
a dirty note scrawled on a torn piece of paper,
saying that despite all the intimate things you’d told me
& the tenderness you’d touched me with,
you would never be able to embrace me the way you did her

I burnt myself for you.
I beat myself down for you.
I bruised myself for you.
I sweat an entire ocean of salt
so that you would have somewhere to swim.
I cut myself for you;
I bled for you.
I cried endless pools of tears for you.
I overwhelmed myself for you.
I hurt myself for you.
I lied to myself & others for you.
I let myself believe I didn’t deserve better for you.
I died a thousand deaths for you.

& what did I get in return?
you laughed in my face when I asked to be treated better
& told me I would die without you :
but I will not

you never deserved anything I gave you
& I am taking my power back away from you
to reclaim everything rightfully mine

I am tired of wasting my love
on someone who could never love me back

no use

maybe there’s no use in trying to bring back what we once had / maybe it is dead & long buried & long gone & long hidden away, & maybe I am long hidden & long shrouded & have walked too far away from the sacred spot where I first saw sunlight / & maybe that it the way it is supposed to be; maybe this is the way that feels the best, in the end, & will provide the most light, or at least the most fuel for relighting the fire

the break of day the break of day break of / there are no rules; so what am I talking about? / I tried to make a short film about the way it felt to love you but all that came out was a muddled puddle of broken tears mingling with euphoric joy & the sight of that was somehow more beautiful than any perfect thing could be; it prismed

a rainbow is built from scattered droplets of light

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So Long, Lonesome Place – New Poetry Book Available!

So Long, Lonesome by Ashlee Craft Book CoverSo Long, Lonesome Place is a collection of 63 poems about leaving behind that which does not serve you, & the search for the place that you’ve been seeking.

EXCERPT

it seems radical to me, all of this / & I’m so afraid I won’t be able to handle it (was any of it real anyways?) / but I do have to keep in mind, in all my moments of doubt & self-questioning, is how many countless others before me have done the same thing that I am doing now, & succeeded in doing so / how many others before me went off & forged their own pathways rather than following in the footsteps others had carved out before them & blindly listening to the instructions mumbled to them in poor faith / how many of them not only survived the falling out, but thrived because of it?

Publish Date // October 2, 2016
Paperback 110 Pages
Genre // Poetry

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I Got My First Acting Gig as Audrey in Ken Ludwig’s “Leading Ladies”! – Opening This Week!

Ashlee Craft dressed as Audrey for Ken Ludwig's play Leading Ladies

Backstage Selfie of my “Tango Costume”

I am totally thrilled to announce that I was cast in Richey Suncoast Theatre’s production of Ken Ludwig’s farce “Leading Ladies” as Audrey! The play opens Thursday, & runs for a total of ten days over the last three weekends in October. You can see the full performance schedule here. If you’d like to come see it & you live in the Tampa Bay Area, get your tickets now!

This all started a little more than two months ago, when I started thinking about doing something big, something new. Something which would really pull me out of my comfort zone, & remove me from the rut I was starting to feel like I was in. I remembered there was a theatre in my area & read on their website about upcoming auditions. I decided to audition, & on the second day of auditions, I was cast as Audrey, the character that I’d hoped to be able to play. I was absolutely thrilled. It has been an amazing experience, to say the least, & definitely one of the most fun + rewarding things that I have done.

The plot centers around two broke Shakespearean actors named Leo & Jack, who have just gotten booed off the stage of their latest production. They hear about a dying woman who can’t find her sisters’ children, whom Leo & Jack assume are her nephews, based on their names. They plan how they can dress up & pretend to be her nephews to get her money when she dies. Unfortunately, a wrench is thrown into their idea when they learn the relatives are nieces, not nephews. The men decide to carry out their plan anyways, & arrive at the woman’s house dressed as girls. Action & hilarity ensues. Leo falls in love with the elderly’s woman’s niece, Meg, who is engaged to a stick-in-the-mud minister, & Jack falls in love with Audrey, who unsuspectingly gave the men information that allowed them to carry out their plan in the first place. You can read more about the plot here.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be writing one or two more posts on the topic of theatre acting & reflections on this experience. All I can say though is that acting is something which has definitely enriched my life significantly, & I look forward to doing it more in the future!