In Episode 037, I read a poem from one one of my most recent poetry books, “The Walls Were Gray”, titled “SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM.” Hope you enjoy it!
SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM
the sky was dark blue dark blue / evening light window looking out at the lake / the flashes of light upon the water I used to look out at them & the fresh alive air would flow in through the holes in the screen & I would feel like I wasn’t sitting on the island all by myself / dark blue dark blue / I walked up the stairs to the room & the lighting was warm / Antioch, at night blue walls single lamp in the corner it was dim the closet was yellow / workshop, my dreams covered the walls when I was an endless creator / they were yelling downstairs now but I was rising slowly exhausted & ready to sleep / I found myself outside, finally stretching my legs & feeling the late afternoon sunshine warm & bright / they said it was going to rain today but they were wrong / the air was warm & crisp like the end of summer, like the end of summer that one year / fall autumn air queen suicide & rebirth in February into something greater / I was so happy suddenly back then that it scared me / the air had seemed so lonely / she asked me about it & I finally revealed an honest piece of myself more peace of mind / “it was never very interesting to me” I told her “my Work was always more interesting & still is” / I told her I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of constantly chasing them, hoping they would notice me / couldn’t understand why anyone would want to do that be that way / technically it’s more normal but it was never the drumbeat I danced to / this morning I was compelled towards the radio / “I will get by” was playing / note, a year ago said I listened to that & read TOUGH TIMES DON’T LAST & even though things were terrible for me, I felt a lot better / (why does it always seem like things are terrible? not true) / then some song about dancing to the beat of the music played & the morning looked less gray / I read their article & realized the problem / even in my otherness I was still being forced into feelings I didn’t feel / the obligation was strong everywhere around me everyone was screaming out the words & every book proudly displayed it on its cover & the newspapers all wrote about it & every song found it sublime to ramble on ramble on / everyone I knew – it was their primary topic. what had happened. what they would do. how to find one. / I was being forced into feelings I didn’t feel because I felt I wouldn’t belong if I didn’t feel them / but I don’t feel them, not in that way / I can befriend all of them without ulterior motives – imagine what a difference that would be – everyone else was always a goal step to reach a particular means to an end / I felt more normal than her even though I felt dried up & frigid but that was the way the computer was wired & the tree roots were deeper still / I hugged her, “why is everyone so stressful?”, flung my hands around, she comforted me, I hugged her again / I didn’t have to follow them all down into the rabbit hole / “curiosity never killed the cat” she told me / trees sung quietly in triumph as I wrote a letter with the honest truth & let a pigeon carry it back to its nest / then I walked around the lake & went home, just as the jazz started playing, & I felt better about myself, not having to hide / learning to love the emotional mess