SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 037 – Poetry


In Episode 037, I read a poem from one one of my most recent poetry books, “The Walls Were Gray”, titled “SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM.” Hope you enjoy it!

The Walls Were Gray
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SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM

the sky was dark blue dark blue / evening light window looking out at the lake / the flashes of light upon the water I used to look out at them & the fresh alive air would flow in through the holes in the screen & I would feel like I wasn’t sitting on the island all by myself / dark blue dark blue / I walked up the stairs to the room & the lighting was warm / Antioch, at night blue walls single lamp in the corner it was dim the closet was yellow / workshop, my dreams covered the walls when I was an endless creator / they were yelling downstairs now but I was rising slowly exhausted & ready to sleep / I found myself outside, finally stretching my legs & feeling the late afternoon sunshine warm & bright / they said it was going to rain today but they were wrong / the air was warm & crisp like the end of summer, like the end of summer that one year / fall autumn air queen suicide & rebirth in February into something greater / I was so happy suddenly back then that it scared me / the air had seemed so lonely / she asked me about it & I finally revealed an honest piece of myself more peace of mind / “it was never very interesting to me” I told her “my Work was always more interesting & still is” / I told her I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of constantly chasing them, hoping they would notice me / couldn’t understand why anyone would want to do that be that way / technically it’s more normal but it was never the drumbeat I danced to / this morning I was compelled towards the radio / “I will get by” was playing / note, a year ago said I listened to that & read TOUGH TIMES DON’T LAST & even though things were terrible for me, I felt a lot better / (why does it always seem like things are terrible? not true) / then some song about dancing to the beat of the music played & the morning looked less gray / I read their article & realized the problem / even in my otherness I was still being forced into feelings I didn’t feel / the obligation was strong everywhere around me everyone was screaming out the words & every book proudly displayed it on its cover & the newspapers all wrote about it & every song found it sublime to ramble on ramble on / everyone I knew – it was their primary topic. what had happened. what they would do. how to find one. / I was being forced into feelings I didn’t feel because I felt I wouldn’t belong if I didn’t feel them / but I don’t feel them, not in that way / I can befriend all of them without ulterior motives – imagine what a difference that would be – everyone else was always a goal step to reach a particular means to an end / I felt more normal than her even though I felt dried up & frigid but that was the way the computer was wired & the tree roots were deeper still / I hugged her, “why is everyone so stressful?”, flung my hands around, she comforted me, I hugged her again / I didn’t have to follow them all down into the rabbit hole / “curiosity never killed the cat” she told me / trees sung quietly in triumph as I wrote a letter with the honest truth & let a pigeon carry it back to its nest / then I walked around the lake & went home, just as the jazz started playing, & I felt better about myself, not having to hide / learning to love the emotional mess

5 Beautiful Rare Things I Want to Feel in 2018 – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 036 – Motivation

In Episode 036 of The Ashlee Craft Show, I talk about the things that, at surface level, aren’t things I thought of when setting up my goals for the year. But they’re things that actually matter more, because they’re the core feelings behind the things you want.

READ THE ARTICLE

“All My Friends” – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 035 – Poetry

In Episode 035, I read another poem from my poetry book “Reflections in the Green Triangle” titled “All My Friends”.
REFLECTIONS IN THE GREEN TRIANGLE BOOK

 

ALL MY FRIENDS

for such a long time I thought that I was alone / desperately seeking friendship & reaching out out out floating on desperate waves looking for someone / pleading in the night that I would find somebody to spend time with / searching & searching with the mistaken impression that I was alone / looking for someone I could enjoy being with & embrace & understand & be understood by / but with time I’d see the the whole time / I’d been surrounded by friends

one day I opened my eyes & saw that
I’d never been alone
& I began to find friends everywhere I looked

I was friends with the sun in the sky
the rainbows up ahead
the ideas & questions of if & why
birds singing in the forest I passed thru
each blade of grass covered with morning dew
birds outside my window chirping in the morning
in the lightening & thunder crashing out their warning
the rain pouring onto the pavement
peace, love, & independence
the moon watching gently over the night
the first brand new ray’s of the sunrise’s light
& the twinkling stars I wish upon
the joy contained in each beautiful song
the hummingbirds sipping nectar from flowers
in the fun & freedom filling my every hour

I found friendship in
leaves rustling & drifting down in the breezes
music floating from open windows
jazz musicians playing in cafes
magical sounds of harmonies
artwork & music & films & books &
poems on the walls
crashing waves upon the shore
& the sun melting onto the water in the afternoon
the smell of freshly mowed grass
& the after-rain’s fresh scent
& the sunsets & the sunrises
in the adventures I have everyday
& in happiness

I found a friend
in life

Reflections – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 034 – Poetry

Episode 034! I read a poem titled “Reflections” from my poetry book “Reflections in the Green Triangle”.

REFLECTIONS IN THE GREEN TRIANGLE BOOK

Reflections

reflecting upon the silver bar sidewalks & the misty moonlit jaunt thru the breeze double rainbow like a pot of gold in the sky / illuminations / reflecting on windows of trucks & on the sunglasses of passerby / on the Sunday / in the rain

driving thru the puddles / rustling of tires against water sprinkling it upwards showing showering rainstorm reflections

looking in the foggy mirror & at everything mistaken & distorted by the silver / like a whole other world hidden behind glass / distorted in the golden gaze rectified in my precision & by my passion / rejuvenated & suddenly understanding who I was the entire time

down many mistaken roads I walked & many mistaken lies I spoke / many sights of sorrow & many things of beauty filled my vision / down many darkened alleyways filled with soot I trod & many days it just never dawned upon me that I what I’d yearned for & what I’d sought had been there all along / I just had never seen them

I thought what I’d been looking for was something that could be bought / so I looked & looked in all the windows to every store but I kept finding myself wanting more & more / I thought what I’d searched for was far away from me & that by leaving this place, I could be free / so I ran away so I wouldn’t be alone only to find that I’d always been home / I thought what I needed was the love in somebody’s heart & that by finding that love, I’d make a start / so I searched for the one I was looking to find only to see I’d been there the whole time / all that time, I was only too blind to see as I looked & searched & cried & yearned only to find that all along, I’d been exactly where I needed to be

it hadn’t been money or distance or love that I’d needed / I didn’t need to go anywhere or buy anything or find someone to love me / I just needed to see the beauty within me

& all the loneliness turned to friendship, all the dark into light, & suddenly I began seeing the world with my own eyes / my own eyes looking at my own destiny / my own life / now I was free

I had been deaf / to the reflections / of the music / rhythm beating beating beating beating onwards / onwards / into the next reflection

“You Used to Be My Soulmate” – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 025 – Poetry

Episode 025 is a poem from my upcoming poetry book THE WALLS WERE GRAY, which will be released December 15th by Freedom Meadow Media! I’m really excited to share this poem with you because you get a sneak peak of my newest book!

HERE’S MY NEW BOOK THAT THIS POEM IS FROM →

YOU ONCE WERE MY SOULMATE, NOW YOU ARE A SHADOW

when I was with you, I thought you were everything / I loved you deeply & only ever wanted you to love me back with equal strength / I wrote romantic poems about how you & I would be looking at each other, driving around town with the jazz playing / I used to think that was what I wanted / we could both be mature & stereotypically in love with each other / I thought it would last forever / we would grow up together

we would grow cynical together / I have been glad many times, but especially now, that things never worked out / you would never have loved the way I came to dress, the way I colored my hair neon bright, the way I was so determined above anything else to accomplish something you didn’t think was worth doing / you would never have loved the person I have become / you only loved me when I became a carbon copy of you

when I told you my secret dream, you said, “well, that’s nice but -” / you were the one who had taken the advice of your drunkard neighbor who told you it was too stressful to try & follow your own dream / I find it hard to believe he was literally the only person you ever knew you could have asked that question to, & you believed him when he told you it wouldn’t be fun / you decided rather than find out for yourself you’d rather blindly believe he was right, even though he was just one person & that was just his opinion / you never asked again

complacency & comfort can be terrible things / you get comfortable & then you stop evolving / you simultaneously love & hate where you’re at / you think it’s okay to just be “okay” / mediocrity came knocking on your door one day & you let it in / it has lived there, hogging your couch & soiling your floor ever since / it would leave if you asked it, but you never have

I can take comfort in knowing that what I did was way beyond anything you would have wanted to do or would have let me do / you would have told me it was a terrible idea & I would have believed you / if we would have ended up together, we would never have ventured out / every place we went would be “safe”, would be “socially acceptable” / you would never become the kind of person who would stay up until three in the morning falling in love with the concert you just heard, you would never venture out on a whimsical road trip alone to do things that were genuinely important to you, you would never pursue the challenging obstacle course, you would never fly out to see the musicians play / you would stay safe with your cruises & prepackaged vacation deals where the itinerary would dictate your every move, your work would always be your first love for the wrong reasons, & you would never be bold enough to let yourself live

instead you would follow in the footsteps of every sheep who walked before you, blindly following everything the herd did because they were “supposed to” / if we would have ended up together, I would never know what it was like / it wouldn’t have been the type of thing you would ever want to do, & I would have agreed with your vision of me because I really thought you were right

& you would never have been able to do it alone / it didn’t, couldn’t, never would fit in with your narrow ideas about how to keep up with both the Joneses & the sheep at the same time

& I can take comfort in knowing that what I did was way beyond anything you could have done / I thought you were the better half but now I see I’m wrong / I did something braver than anything you can fathom, much less bring to life

you could have had it all too, if you would have really wanted to

but you never had the courage

“Thanksgiving” – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 022 – Poetry

The “Thanksgiving” poem from Autumn (Four Seasons, #1)

It’s almost Thanksgiving! For Episode 022, in honor of an amazing fall holiday, I’m reading the poem “Thanksgiving” from my poetry book, “Autumn”. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, & if you don’t celebrate it, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season in general!

READ THE AUTUMN BOOK

THANKSGIVING

thanksgiving…everybody seated around the table smiling & holding hands as snow blows around outside & lands against the windows, tender flakes gently resting on my eyebrows before melting onto my skin / in my mind, the end of fall & the beginning of winter & all the joy it brings

delicious scent of family cooking & traditions & recipes laid out on the table before me / so many good things to eat it’s hard to make my mind up & I only can enjoy so much of it tonight / apple pie & green beans & sweet potatoes & squash & stuffing & everything else delicious

& the company of family & relatives, friends held close to your heart, forever bonding / more goes through your mind as you sit there enjoying the company of those closest to you / it’s about friendship & love & warmth, like being wrapped in a warm blanket somewhere perfect & knowing that you’re safe & no matter how cold the wind blows outside the window that you are loved you are loved you are loved

everyone sharing special memories & special thoughts & special recipes & most importantly, your hearts / sharing those things dearest to you / sharing the one thing that matters most, matters more than money or gifts or promises or anything else superficial, but about time / time is the definition of love / love & time, hands entwined

sitting around the table with generation after generation, making memories to last a lifetime