SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 037 – Poetry


In Episode 037, I read a poem from one one of my most recent poetry books, “The Walls Were Gray”, titled “SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM.” Hope you enjoy it!

The Walls Were Gray
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SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM

the sky was dark blue dark blue / evening light window looking out at the lake / the flashes of light upon the water I used to look out at them & the fresh alive air would flow in through the holes in the screen & I would feel like I wasn’t sitting on the island all by myself / dark blue dark blue / I walked up the stairs to the room & the lighting was warm / Antioch, at night blue walls single lamp in the corner it was dim the closet was yellow / workshop, my dreams covered the walls when I was an endless creator / they were yelling downstairs now but I was rising slowly exhausted & ready to sleep / I found myself outside, finally stretching my legs & feeling the late afternoon sunshine warm & bright / they said it was going to rain today but they were wrong / the air was warm & crisp like the end of summer, like the end of summer that one year / fall autumn air queen suicide & rebirth in February into something greater / I was so happy suddenly back then that it scared me / the air had seemed so lonely / she asked me about it & I finally revealed an honest piece of myself more peace of mind / “it was never very interesting to me” I told her “my Work was always more interesting & still is” / I told her I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of constantly chasing them, hoping they would notice me / couldn’t understand why anyone would want to do that be that way / technically it’s more normal but it was never the drumbeat I danced to / this morning I was compelled towards the radio / “I will get by” was playing / note, a year ago said I listened to that & read TOUGH TIMES DON’T LAST & even though things were terrible for me, I felt a lot better / (why does it always seem like things are terrible? not true) / then some song about dancing to the beat of the music played & the morning looked less gray / I read their article & realized the problem / even in my otherness I was still being forced into feelings I didn’t feel / the obligation was strong everywhere around me everyone was screaming out the words & every book proudly displayed it on its cover & the newspapers all wrote about it & every song found it sublime to ramble on ramble on / everyone I knew – it was their primary topic. what had happened. what they would do. how to find one. / I was being forced into feelings I didn’t feel because I felt I wouldn’t belong if I didn’t feel them / but I don’t feel them, not in that way / I can befriend all of them without ulterior motives – imagine what a difference that would be – everyone else was always a goal step to reach a particular means to an end / I felt more normal than her even though I felt dried up & frigid but that was the way the computer was wired & the tree roots were deeper still / I hugged her, “why is everyone so stressful?”, flung my hands around, she comforted me, I hugged her again / I didn’t have to follow them all down into the rabbit hole / “curiosity never killed the cat” she told me / trees sung quietly in triumph as I wrote a letter with the honest truth & let a pigeon carry it back to its nest / then I walked around the lake & went home, just as the jazz started playing, & I felt better about myself, not having to hide / learning to love the emotional mess

“Fog – The Walls Are Not Gray Anymore” – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 030 – Poetry

In Episode 030, I read one of the poems from my newest poetry book, “The Walls Were Gray” titled “FOG – THE WALLS ARE NOT GRAY ANYMORE”.

FOG – THE WALLS ARE NOT GRAY ANYMORE

I floored it –
out onto the empty road –
gray mist rose up around me –
floored it –
ahead the fog cleared –
I saw the vibrant nurturing rainbow –
& the meadow where I will thrive –
non-linear joyful skip dance drive towards it –
suddenly finding myself closer to arriving –
the fog clears –
gray walls around me melt away revealing rainbows –
I am no longer confined
by my own false belief that I did not deserve to be free –
floored it & didn’t need to look back into the fog –
floored it –
away vroom vroom –
freedom, I am free finally finding it –

I KNOW WHO I NEED TO BECOME NOW

THE WALLS WERE GRAY

The Walls Were Gray – NEW RELEASE

The Walls Were Gray by Ashlee CraftFrom the book –

RUBY TUESDAY

when you walked in the air was hot & heavy & smelled strongly of
lilies like the warm dark green crevice of a secret garden / you were
so afraid of the world & nowhere seemed a safe place / big & scary
with the expanse of war looming inside & out, conflict mingled with
the inner sadness that followed you everywhere / at least she
would not hug me today / I remembered the
hot summer mowing the yard by the fence
looking at the lake / hot & heavy /
the peculiar, beautiful feeling of the song, deeply hopeful longing
for the love I may one day find, strange beautiful slightly sad music
I embraced that summer / run fast / remember what it was like
growing up at the last house? / you stayed up until 2 am each night
watching videos & reading about your favorite people & bobbing your head to the music /
ruby tuesday, maybe she was right when she accused you of hating your life,
but not doing anything to make it stop being the same

//

The Walls Were Gray is a collection of 90 poems.

Published :: December 15, 2017
Paperback 104 Pages
Genre :: Poetry

“You Used to Be My Soulmate” – The Ashlee Craft Show – Episode 025 – Poetry

Episode 025 is a poem from my upcoming poetry book THE WALLS WERE GRAY, which will be released December 15th by Freedom Meadow Media! I’m really excited to share this poem with you because you get a sneak peak of my newest book!

HERE’S MY NEW BOOK THAT THIS POEM IS FROM →

YOU ONCE WERE MY SOULMATE, NOW YOU ARE A SHADOW

when I was with you, I thought you were everything / I loved you deeply & only ever wanted you to love me back with equal strength / I wrote romantic poems about how you & I would be looking at each other, driving around town with the jazz playing / I used to think that was what I wanted / we could both be mature & stereotypically in love with each other / I thought it would last forever / we would grow up together

we would grow cynical together / I have been glad many times, but especially now, that things never worked out / you would never have loved the way I came to dress, the way I colored my hair neon bright, the way I was so determined above anything else to accomplish something you didn’t think was worth doing / you would never have loved the person I have become / you only loved me when I became a carbon copy of you

when I told you my secret dream, you said, “well, that’s nice but -” / you were the one who had taken the advice of your drunkard neighbor who told you it was too stressful to try & follow your own dream / I find it hard to believe he was literally the only person you ever knew you could have asked that question to, & you believed him when he told you it wouldn’t be fun / you decided rather than find out for yourself you’d rather blindly believe he was right, even though he was just one person & that was just his opinion / you never asked again

complacency & comfort can be terrible things / you get comfortable & then you stop evolving / you simultaneously love & hate where you’re at / you think it’s okay to just be “okay” / mediocrity came knocking on your door one day & you let it in / it has lived there, hogging your couch & soiling your floor ever since / it would leave if you asked it, but you never have

I can take comfort in knowing that what I did was way beyond anything you would have wanted to do or would have let me do / you would have told me it was a terrible idea & I would have believed you / if we would have ended up together, we would never have ventured out / every place we went would be “safe”, would be “socially acceptable” / you would never become the kind of person who would stay up until three in the morning falling in love with the concert you just heard, you would never venture out on a whimsical road trip alone to do things that were genuinely important to you, you would never pursue the challenging obstacle course, you would never fly out to see the musicians play / you would stay safe with your cruises & prepackaged vacation deals where the itinerary would dictate your every move, your work would always be your first love for the wrong reasons, & you would never be bold enough to let yourself live

instead you would follow in the footsteps of every sheep who walked before you, blindly following everything the herd did because they were “supposed to” / if we would have ended up together, I would never know what it was like / it wouldn’t have been the type of thing you would ever want to do, & I would have agreed with your vision of me because I really thought you were right

& you would never have been able to do it alone / it didn’t, couldn’t, never would fit in with your narrow ideas about how to keep up with both the Joneses & the sheep at the same time

& I can take comfort in knowing that what I did was way beyond anything you could have done / I thought you were the better half but now I see I’m wrong / I did something braver than anything you can fathom, much less bring to life

you could have had it all too, if you would have really wanted to

but you never had the courage