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Feel the Hidden Flowers – New Novel Released!

I guess I’m telling you this because I trust you. You make me feel safe, & you’ve always seen me when I felt invisible. I wanted you to know the story of how I got to be the way I am now. It started with my family; the verbal abuse & lack of love from them finally took its toll, the night I packed my belongings & drove off to anywhere but where I was, & moved in with a bohemian artist named Sara.

Another thing? We haven’t even gotten started yet. Him. He keeps swirling around in my head. The ghosts of his kisses on my lips. The ghosts of his arms around me. The ghosts of his hands caressing my skin. The ghosts of the way it felt when I had my hand on his chest & felt his heart beating, that time when he pressed his forehead into mine & closed his eyes, & we sat there breathing each other’s air, our chests pressed together, & he whispered to me that he loved me, & I pressed my lips against his & kissed him fervently, & for the first time in my life, I felt like everything was going to be okay someday. But it wasn’t. Not even close.

“You’re too sad.” He told me two months later. “I just can’t deal with it. I can’t handle it, because it hurts me too much. It hurts too much to see you like this, but I’ve tried everything, & it seems to me like you don’t even want to get better.”

Maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. It didn’t feel like it, all the days I lied in bed drinking & smoking & wishing it would all go away, days spent remembering him & the way he felt. Sometimes though, I would struggle like a bird, beating my wings against the bars uselessly trying to pull myself out of the pit.

Then someone new moved in across the street, his name was James, & strangely, he became the ladder I needed.

Publish Date // February 25, 2017
Paperback 396 Pages
Genre // Fiction
Themes // Alcoholism, Breakups
Depression, Relationships

Kindle Edition
Paperback
View Sample Chapter

March 5, 2017
Product Digest: February 24, 2017

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A TWIRLY-TOED SQUID

IT’S ICE CREAM TIME

THE MOTEL OF VINTAGE DREAMS

LIFE IS ALWAYS A

PLAYGROUND AROUND HERE

LIFE IS AWESOME STICKER WHIMSICAL FLOWERS STICKER

WATERMELON STICKER

COLORFUL SMILEY STICKER

SEE OWLS IN A CRYSTAL BALL

FAVORITE DEEP-SEA FRIEND

JEWELED OWLS

February 24, 2017
Freedom on the Beach : A Manifesto
1. Resting & restorativeness are very important. Days off spent doing fun things, with no agenda & no clocks ticking evilly in the background reminding you of the impending returns. You cannot always be running around & constantly hustling if you are to keep your sanity. Working on it slowly, pacing yourself so you don’t get burnt out. This is all that matters in the end: you will get where you’re going.
2. Their fights don’t have anything to do with you. Sit there in the corner with your ears plugged making obnoxious noises if necessary, but do not think for one minute that what they argue about has anything to do with you.
3. I don’t let the mean, petty, obnoxious, or passive-aggressive things that people may say or imply about me hurt me. Sure, I may get pissed about it briefly, but I know that what they say isn’t true. They cannot know me; therefore they cannot truly comment about me, & if they do, what they say holds no water. It isn’t true, & I know that, so I breathe out a sigh of relief. It doesn’t actually have to do with me at all. I have the brick wall surrounding my castle now, & know they are not worth it. Not when he mocks me, or she insults something I have done. I am separate & immune from the stones they throw at the wall. This applies also to the fights above.
4. MINIMALISM: it feels so, so good getting rid of the expansive excess. Every time I throw something out it gets a little bit lighter & easier. I look deeply forward to the day when everything is as I’ve wanted it to be; where only the essential, the useful, & the beautiful things remain surrounding me. I do not have to be owned by my possessions anymore.
5. Their phrase about the evil of boredom & the joy of creating & building resonated strongly with me. I like that culture of living too.
6. Black cherry dyed hair. Skateboards. The strange animals with their strange faces that you find to be perfect. Pink elaborate tulle skirts. Zines. All these things are important.
7. I have plenty of time.
8. Flying a kite on the beach felt timeless. There really are few things in life as satisfying as flying a kite as high as you can on a beach when they weather is perfect.
9. The philosophy of parkour, surmounting all life obstacles & physical obstacles with as little effort but as satisfying of a reward/outcomes as possible. Doing it the easy way but the worth it way. See: Restorative.
10. Making an effort. I did it before as a punishment, didn’t I? To try & show them my displeasure in a visible, physical way. I felt like a wilting flower & I wanted to show it off. Sometimes I am a martyr. I like to exemplify my own suffering. But I can’t do that anymore. For my own sake. Putting in the effort, showing up. The hair color, smooth & silky. I put on better shirts & better accessories that actually said something. I stopped hiding inside the folds of the jean jacket & turned my real face to the sun. I started reading & writing & listening to the sweet dancing of music. I started trying.
11. Fruits & vegetables are good. I crave them. They make me feel happy & healthy.
12. Happiness is oftentimes a choice. Either way, in any situation you have the option of choosing to do something that will make your life more: magical, happy, serene, reverent, sunlight. You can choose to open the curtains, or listen to a really perfect song, or run out into the rain & dance, or think about something good. You are just like the rest of them if you fall into the trap of being dark & dissatisfied & cynical. Cynics & liars laughing, indeed. Remember the song. Your favorite, as a kid. How you feel in every moment is your choice. If it’s lame, you’re the only one to blame, but also the only one who can choose to do something different.
13. I want to feel that relaxed, creative, peace-of-mind way that it implies. Maybe then things would be easier.
14. They clapped & laughed in the dark room & the monsters ran away.
15. Gnarly: the act of doing something potentially painful but ignoring the potential pain & (intelligent, thought out) risks in order to do something freeing.
16. It felt deeply freeing; I felt it welling up from deep inside the depths of something much more expansive & deep-seated & hidden behind the fronds of ferns, then it was a supernova & the sorrow evaporated from the flowers. Then I saw the Freedom Meadow expand once more; it had a garden of blooming flowers.
17. I only got what I wanted when I stopped feeling lonely & danced, joyous & reverently, at night under the moon with the music playing. The next day, they called me & said YES.
18. I want his work ethic. He tirelessly did things he enjoyed & made money. He seems happy now, so I guess he did do what he wanted.
19. I must get more used to being uncomfortable. I want the things that make other people fall into mediocrity, the things that exhaust them, the things that make them complain & lie prostrate on the carpet powerless to be the very things that make me invincible, strong, powerful. I want to turn the curses they throw at me around & change them into sunlight that melts vampires. I want to turn the chains & empty lies they bestow on me on their heads & change them into something that works for me.
20. The full moon was so big & so bright that at first I didn’t think it was the moon. When I realized it was, I still couldn’t believe it was actually the moon. I’ve never seen it so big or so bright. I stared in meditative reverence & felt profundity. I looked at her through the scope & saw the bumpy, cratered edges. It looked like maybe I was there. I loved it. The moon & I are kindred spirits.
21. You really can have it all.
February 12, 2017
Journey Into Minimalism

It suddenly hit me, as I saw the piles of unread magazines & unworn clothes, unused digital photo duplicates, uneaten food, & unused, useless belongings. Why the hell is there so much stuff? It had accumulated, over the years, & now, it didn’t actually matter anymore. Piles & piles of it, in my living room, in the closets, on the counters.

Part of the problem was my tendency towards over-sentimentality towards things that I own. I feel inclined to keep certain belongings of mine because when I see them, I’m reminded of the exact place & time of memories involving that item. I’ve started photographing these items, because I’ve realized that keeping the actual item isn’t important to me remembering it. Seeing it is enough to spark these memories. As The Minimalists say, “The memories aren’t in the things, they’re in me.”

The second reason is that I have a deep-seated fear that if I get rid of things, I might need or want or miss them sometime in the future. Even if they’ve been sitting in my garage in a box for the past five years, I still feel that way. Logically, I know that I don’t actually need it. My life has been just fine without it, & I haven’t missed it. I also know that there are incredibly few things I’ve ever gotten rid of that I’ve missed, & magically, I’ve been able to live without them anyways.

Yesterday, I threw out the three essentially empty bottles of the same scent of lotion that I used when I was 16. The smell of them was linked to one memory of mine. But I realized I don’t need the lotion to remember. The memory is in my mind, & on paper where I wrote it down. Today, I eliminated a rubber snail that was damaged by sitting in the sun too long, toys my dog never liked, & two purses I crocheted when I was a teenager but no longer used.

Earlier, my mom helped convince me to get rid of a skirt that I wanted to get rid of but felt obligated to keep. “That’s not your style anyways, & you already have a few long skirts like that one.” I put it in the bag of clothes to donate. I scanned & threw away random paper mementos that were only kind of important to me now.

Throwing out stuff & letting go of it is scary, but very, very freeing. I’m looking forward to making more progress.

I want everything I own to be my favorite thing.

February 5, 2017
Favorite Commercials of 2016

A few of the commercials I saw in 2016 that made me happy.

Honda – “Sheep Singing Queen Music” (2016 Superbowl Commercial)

Why I love it: the combination of sheep singing with one of Queen’s BEST songs is perfect.

Ad Council – “Penguin – No One Should Text & Drive”

Why I love it: a cute penguin belays an important safety message is both funny & true. Another commercial I think it great, on the subject of safety commercials, is the Budweiser “Friends are Waiting” commercial with the dog waiting for its owner to come home.

Heinz – “Mustard Dachshunds” (2016 Superbowl Commercial)

Why I love it: Nilsson’s “Without You” as the soundtrack for adorable dachshunds in a joyous reunion with their owners.

Wes Anderson – H&M – “Come Together” (Christmas Commercial)

Why I love it: Four minutes of beautifully choreographed classic Wes Anderson with a heartwarming, understated-but-profound Christmas story.

Tropicana – “Good Morning, Good Morning” Oranges

Why I love it: ORANGES JUMPING INTO A CONTAINER WHILE SINGING “GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.”

IBM – “Ideas are Scary”

Why I love it: Out of all the commercials on this list, this is one of my absolute favorites. I love the story, heartbreaking at first, where the poor creature is rejected & cast aside for being different & unusual. After suffering much hatred at the hands of others, IBM welcomes the outcast creature into its building, where it immediately starts blossoming, & eventually becomes fully-fledged & beautiful because it is accepted.

Febreeze – “The Dog Car”

Why I love it: it’s hilarious & true – you think your car smells beautiful, but it really smells like Dogs-R-Us. The idea of a giant dog-shaped car cruising down the road with a triumphant dog merrily peeking out the window is hilarious.

Marshalls – “Recalculating”

Why I love it: This ties with the IBM commercial for absolute favorite. I love the concept of leaving behind the path that everybody says you “should” be walking on & leaving it to explore the true majestic world that surrounds you, seizing the day & the environment you’re in. I love the music too, as well as the creativity behind it.

Air Wick – “Rooms”

Why I love it: secret rooms, each with their own unique aesthetics & smells, are always awesome.

Farmers – “Hot Dog”, “Synchronized Swimming Dogs”, & “Romantic Rodent”

Why I love it: Hilarious dog escaping an exploding house, all for the sake of a slice of pizza.

Why I love it: Adorable dogs are synchronized swimming in a living room!

Why I love it: An adorable groundhog makes his sweetheart happy by bringing her the stolen ring of a caddie.

January 26, 2017
Goals for 2017 (& 2016 Accomplishments)!

Wow, 2016 was a year filled with so many changes. There were a reasonable number of not-so-good things that happened, & a number of really good things that happened for me (you can read my poetic essay about the year here). I’ll choose to focus on the awesome things.

For last year’s posts, see 2016 Goals & Reflections on 2015. It’s pretty interesting reading them now!

Before I get started telling you what I plan on doing in 2017, here’s a quick overview of what I achieved in 2016:

★ Officially launched the publishing company I’d been dreaming about for years, Freedom Meadow Media. Starting a company was a little bit challenging, but very rewarding.

★ Published 4 books (A Beautiful Question of Where & When; So Long, Lonesome Place; 101 Ways to Love Yourself; & Owls), as well as 6 zines (Flowers, One; & issues 9, 10, 11, 12, & 13 of Assemblage)!

★ Started an online store (!!!!!!!), where I curate a collection of awesome, funky, adorable, & colorful things. I’ve sold more stuff than I thought I would so far (mostly on the eBay listings for my products), which is very exciting!

★ Re-released my debut album, Fields of Destiny, via CD Baby, therefore making it available for purchase on Amazon, iTunes, & a whole host of other online music retailers. PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY BUY IT NOW.

★ Got my first-ever acting role, as Audrey in Ken Ludwig’s play Leading Ladies, & a second acting role in the play Shakespeare in Hollywood as Puck.

★ My first article to be published by a website other than my own was published by Thought Catalog!

★ Got pet guinea pigs, which is something I’ve wanted since I was nine or ten years old.

★ Bought a Smart Car! Ever since I was sixteen I always wanted one, because they’re both very safe & very gas efficient. This is something I manifested for myself, after test driving a lot of shitty, cheap cars. I decided I wasn’t going to settle for one of the aforementioned cars I test drove, figured out a way to make the Smart Car happen, & voila! I have a Smart Car, & I love it. It’s even more awesome than I thought it would be.

★ Edited & re-published the second edition of Shipwrecked, in addition to a lot more of my books through my publishing company, Freedom Meadow Media.

★ Got my driver’s license! After a long seven months of learning how to drive, I finally got my licence. This was one of the most influential things that happened to me, because now I have the ability to go wherever I want & make things happen for myself. I’m no longer limited in this aspect.

★ Touched a crocodile (at a local Earth Day event). It was cool being able to touch such a powerful animal, & the scales on his back were unlike anything I’ve ever touched.

★ Got a Nutribullet-esque blender for making healthy smoothies. It’s not THE Nutribullet, but my dad got it for me & I love it. I made a really great smoothie with it the other day involving blood oranges, English cucumber, & a salad with pea shoots. This was something on last year’s list.

★ I actually wrote down five things that happened to me each day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, for the past year! In years prior I’ve always been bummed out about not having a written record of the year. I’ve never been disciplined enough to actually do this, but now, thanks to the Document Your Life journal that I wrote & published, I actually achieved this, & I’m proud of myself!

★ Felt like I’m getting a much better idea of who I am + what I want out to life.

Goals for 2017

As for all of the awesome things I’m going to do in 2017, I have a few new ideas for planning these goals. The first school of thought which I think sounds intriguing is picking one big goal to accomplish each month. I forgot where I heard this, but I like the idea. If I do this, I’ll stay on track for all the big goals I have for the year. No matter what else happens, I will accomplish 12 big things this year, & the idea of that is really exciting. Provided I accomplish the big goal for each month, I can then achieve as many small goals each month too, without having to worry about not achieving the big things.

The second idea is inspired by two ideas. The first – multiple things James Altucher has written where he discusses picking themes for your life instead of goals. The second – what Gretchen Rubin discusses in The Happiness Project, about how Ben Franklin picked thirteen virtues to rate & measure his performance in. I thought, “Why not combine the ideas & pick some themes that I want to work on cultivating this year, in addition to the big goals?” Both lists of alternate goal are still things I’m working on.

In the mean time, here are some things I plan to accomplish in the upcoming year:

★ Direct a film. By film, I mean a real film starring actors other than myself, & a variety of locations, & a script. I have several ideas & haven’t picked one yet, but this is one of the things I’m most excited about doing.

★ Run in a 5k. As it is now, I’m in reasonable shape but can’t run for more than a few minutes in a row. I bought myself some running shoes & a stop watch so that when I’m able to start training, it will be easy.

★ Continue growing my online store. I have a TON of plans for things I want to start selling, & products I’m working on designing. SHOP Ashlee Craft will soon be home to t-shirts, a whole bunch of stickers, & hopefully some new exclusive pins, all designed by me. I also think it would be awesome to design magnets, window clings, & journals.

★ Get a paid acting gig. Acting is lots of fun, & I’m glad that I took the leap & started pursuing it in this previous year.

★ Republish out-of-print books that I love under my publishing company. There are loads of great things – books, music, films, images, etc – which are great, but people don’t know about them anymore. They should, & I want to be the one to help these works of art be brought into the light again.

★ Read a lot more. For most of 2016, I sadly didn’t read very much at all. Towards the end of the year I bought a lot of great books (Choose Yourself & What To Do When It’s Your Turn are two that stand out) & actually started reading them. Then I realized how much I missed reading. This year, I’m actually going to track every book I read, & I’m going to read as many as possible.

★ Record more cover songs. I LOVED recording my cover of David Bowie’s Changes. I have a whole list of other songs I would love to cover, so I’m going to work on this a lot more soon. Before the end of the year, I will also release another album of original compositions.

★ Start investing in companies. I’ve already picked out a few good prospects I will buy stock in soon.

★ Write more books. This is always a goal of mine, because there are always so many books to write. Currently in my book release plans are the novel I’ve been working on for two years, a children’s storybook about owls, a children’s series about a mouse, another motivational book, a book of personal essays, more issues of Assemblage, & more zines. A lot of the books I’ve already published are also going to be republished under Freedom Meadow Media.

★ Release an app.

★ Travel. I would love to travel to three different places. Somewhere in my state, a different state, & a different country.

★ Minimalism. This means excluding things – physical things, mental things, wasted time, unhappiness – to make more room for the things that really do feel good. I’m not trying to have as few things as possible, but as many things that make me happy with as few unnecessary things as possible. I really like this quote from this article I was reading earlier, titled Like Henry David Thoreau, but with Wi-Fi. “Everything in my life become my favorite thing.” I want to live my life like that.

★ Figure out what I really want. For now. Become more myself. Reinvent myself a hundred times this year, if that’s what it takes. Get to the place that I think I’m going. Be happier, for real. Know what it feels like to finally have peace of mind. Explore & live in the world that is mine.

What are your goals for 2017? Let me know on the social media channel of your choice!

January 19, 2017
the problem & the cure

from my upcoming book, “Not a Dime a Dozen”

I effortlessly fell into the same coping patterns I always reached for, although they had never served me well. The days started feeling like running through an ocean of mud. It exerts you, but you never get anywhere. The other thing that stood out to me suddenly was the stark white walls of emptiness. It was much too silent, & while the sight of the finish line had given me something to look forward to, it was only a mirage, & it faded when night fell. This sensation grew in the moments when everything was rushed towards the redundancy of another day, & no one spoke, or at least could not be heard over the roaring cacophony of quiet.

I wondered why I always found myself at the same crossroad at night, with the familiar darkened road & the street signs impossible to make out in the darkness. The road forked off into multiple pathways, & the pressure of choosing the right one felt as random as having to pick the door the magician’s assistant is really behind. I had made choices that I thought would make things better, but the porthole door in the sky scooped me up & deposited me in the same place, week after week, & the same feelings always found me again.

It reminded me of the memory album I’d looked through a thousand times, even though each time I asked myself why I romanticized my own pain so greatly. Was there really anything beautiful about acting as the tragic figure I’d written myself to be, but never really wanted to become? I wondered what my childhood self would think of me if she’d met me now, & if she’d be pleased by the accomplishments I’d achieved, or discouraged & fearing the inevitability of often sunless days & starless nights that were ahead . I had worn these feelings like a comfortable coat, returning to them when the expanse of everything else I could do instead of this seemed too much. I resorted to it & then reveled in it, sometimes feeling as if even in the darkness, my so-called vulnerability was nothing more than another part of my facade, put on for the show of it in an attempt to control the ways others saw me.

I felt the cool waves of an infinite ocean washing up over my feet. The sun rested upon the horizon, neon-pink & hazily vibrating like a mirage. In these moments, there was no yesterday, no tomorrow, no more haunting Mondays. She told me I was getting the same way that I was the last time this had happened; what was that supposed to mean, & how was I supposed to feel about something I couldn’t help myself from feeling? At least I was trying to dig myself out from under the rubble of the fire, & didn’t that count for something?

When I saw my reflection in the mirror of her face, I reeled back. The crystal ball on the mahogany desk informed me of the shrouded sunlessness that the road I had chosen contained, & provided a glimpse of the person I would one day become if I did not turn around. The papers on the walls clearly spelled LEAVE NOW, & the flapping curtain by the open window communicated in Morse Code TURN BACK. I suddenly knew that it didn’t matter where I went or which road I chose, as long as it was different than the one I was on. I fled from the office & slammed the door behind me, vowing I would never go back.

Instead of admitting that I am afraid of courage required to step into my own self & create the kind of life I want to live, I use my own sorrow as an excuse. Wearing it & melting into its folds is easier than becoming someone new. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to disappear & reappear somewhere else, my slate cleaned & my future open. To do that would be the easy way out; it is not necessary for my freedom, & I do not need to wait for the bells to sound with the validation that I am allowed to liberate myself.

It was only on the forbidden drive to the city that I felt the shifting of soil. I felt acutely the changes blossoming & fading into existence, & the rubble on top of me finally being cleared away by my own doing. Beams of sunlight fell around me on the ground, & in the breeze with the music & the effortless swaying of trees, it was the first time in a long time that I finally felt normal. A preview of what is to come. Freedom was that essential code by which I knew I needed to live by, if I were to ever fully realize what things like happiness & hope meant. What I had been doing was the exact opposite, & I was growing tired of my old patterns & sorrows & habits. What had once been a darkness I relished & lovingly extracted every ounce of pain from now became a song I’d never liked but heard play too many times on the radio. My old standby patterns weren’t beautiful & tragic – they were just boring, & didn’t allow half enough time for me to merely exist & simply be. Too much of it was shrouded in routine & in monotonous pandering to the politics touted by over-idolized figures I wanted nothing to do with.

If I were to have more days like this, where I felt the pure, unadulterated & fluttering joy of existing in the world of my exact choosing, I would have to summon the bravery to brush myself off & keep trying until I made it. This time, I would stand at the darkened crossroads in the night & I would not be afraid. I would pick the road leading in the direction of the same breeze I’d felt on the beach & in the city, one which wordlessly murmurs of home. When I find all the good feelings I thought I’d forgotten, waiting for me somewhere along the path, I will be able to trust once more in my ability to prevail, to create this for myself, & to thrive.

January 8, 2017
Issue 13 (Ashlee Craft / Assemblage)

Issue 13 of Ashlee Craft’s life-is-a-playground art & poetry zine, Ashlee Craft / Assemblage.

Table of Contents

if it were that way 4 / the art of living 5 / respected, at last, at once 6 / I am quickly getting good at it too 7 / they can breathe 8 / product on the shelves 9 / add me, pick me 10 / I will be enthusiastic 11 / make everything beautiful 12 / 5 million ideas 13 / relations will be awkward 14 / lifestyle 15 / I have to start being an adult? 16 / sea salt 17 / a compliment 18 / I really want to welcome him 19 / on my agenda 20 / damn anxiety 21 / offer value to people 22 / destroy what destroys you 23 / a cute octopus 24 / money $$$ 25 / sometimes I am the alien 26 / hi, unprompted 27 / coconut water 28 / movie rentals 29 / little eyes 30 / lunchroom experience 31 / sweet thing 32 / something wonderful is about to happen 33 / get excited about everything 34 / plants on my arm 35 / fun fun fun 36 / make time for yourself 37 / snails 38 / pseudonyms 39 / energetic & inspired (but the fear remains) 40 / so hungry, & DOUGHNUTS 41 / goals to make happen very soon 42 / smooth jazz 43 / hug everything 44 / I want to buy a rabbit & change my name & buy a skateboard & get my ears pierced 45 / traffic lights 46 / just do the damn thing 47 / change up your routine 48 / they have abandoned me, now which of us is freer? 49

Publish Date // December 24, 2016
Paperback 50 pages
Genre // Magazines

Kindle Edition
Paperback

January 6, 2017
Hello, Beautiful 2017

The moon last night looked like a Cheshire cat in the sky, smiling with golden good natured mischief & mystery. I listened to Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” & Hall & Oates’ “Rich Girl” loud in the car. My two favorite songs at the moment. I looked out at the streetlamps & the velvety cloak of darkness.

Just like last year, the transition of one year to the next occurs in the center of a sea of changes. Both this year & last year at this time, the sense of a major shift is pervasive. The kind of feeling where everything is changing; all the old ideas & beliefs & paradigms & personas & dynamics & status quos. Worlds open up – stars are born & die in front of you & then born again – everything circles around in the middle of a wind storm.

The seas are rough but able to be navigated. The rain falls hard but they water the flowers. The old things you used to be are slowly fading & shriveling & retreating back into the brush they came from.

Fears were created & fears were put to rest, & ultimately I still ended up with less of them, & more of them simultaneously. Uncertainty. The great fear still remains in the backdrop (happiness) but fears emerged to the front lines (breakdown). But the fears are all quieted in the warmth of humid nights, when it’s all wrapped up in a blanket.

Confidence was built. It was built in each hour I spent in front of those who would judge me & decide the turns my path would take, but I was still the one choosing to be there. Choosing to be judged, so that I may progress. It also showed its face when I actually started asking for what I wanted. I asked him & he said yes. I told them & they were supportive & encouraging. I announced it to them & they wanted to help me & didn’t care that I was turning away at the same time. I decided & they were there. I showed up, & spoke up, for the first time in years.

Showing up. That’s another thing. I watched as those around me were reluctant to take chances. To make choices. To put themselves out there somewhere they might fail. In most failures though, the failure itself is the only worst-case-scenario. If someone says no the world doesn’t stop spinning. & if you don’t try, there’s no way you can ever win. Showing up, in all ways, not just putting yourself out there but also showing up for your own decisions, owning them. Making choices & then making them happen.

I found a home & then it was gone. I reveled in my relief when I walked through your doors. Immediately you took me in. I found your embrace full of love & genuine connection & fun & it gave me something to do & I loved it. Knowing you made all the other things fade away. I thought that I would shrivel when you left me. I didn’t think I could do anything without you. You were like a drug. It was all about me depending on something other than myself & putting all my happiness in it & betting my whole existence on whether you liked me back. I need to stop doing that. When will I realize that happiness will never come from dependency on such anchors? It needs to be mine.

I found my people but then they left me. Slowly they walked out on me & the door closed. They never opened it again. I thought they were the ones that were supposed to make me feel the way I always wanted to feel. I thought the loneliness would go away. Sooner or later, one of us must know that I really did try to get close to you. I tried, & reached out further & more honestly than I ever had, & with deeper vulnerability. But despite finally putting myself out there & trying to make a connection, they turned their backs & went separate ways. I loved you but you didn’t love me back. & I will be okay with that. Somewhere out there I will find my friends.

Also, there were beautiful things. That moment sitting in the golden light of afternoon in the restaurant smiling & feeling like I belonged somewhere for once. New love & new forms of happiness. The home, the memories, friendship – they all still meant something, frozen in time, even if they were no longer the same glowing realms they had been before.

It was a year when I really opened up my hands & reached out & created. I feel like 2016 was like a big educational seminar, teaching me how the world worked & how to ask the questions I needed to ask. A year which required me to make decisions about who I was & who I was going to be. I feel like I learned more this year that probably any other year in recent history.

2016: a year of making magic & of deepening belief in magic, & one where despite some of the painful & darkened challenges that I encountered, I still made it. I survived. It feels like it was a year of growing hope, a stepping stone year, vitally important to be completed & triumphed over before being able to move on to the next open doors.

Open, a concept I tie to authenticity. I want to make 2017 a year of authenticity, & honesty, & freedom. & I want all of those concepts to tie into happiness, to tie into a grander & more wonderful & much more happy + free version of myself.

& so, I open my arms up & my heart up & I make the new year feel comfortable & welcome. I open my heart to let in all the new light through mosaic windows, & open my hands to new creations that must be made. The hope has been built up into a big glowing ball of light, & the music is on, & I am dancing, & I turn now to face the Newness, radical potential, happiness, magic, freedom. I stand tall & proud, looking out at the star-filled sky & the Cheshire cat moon & later, cheerful rays of sunbeams painted across my floor, & I say,

“I’m ready.”

January 1, 2017
The Real Meaning of Santa Claus

I was 14 & I still believed in Santa Claus.

My parents still hadn’t told me the truth yet. About how they’d been lovingly acting as Santa all those years. They hadn’t told me, mostly for the sake of my younger sister. My parents didn’t want her to stop believing in the magic of Christmas as young as she was. I had my doubts, & they’d grown a little year after year. But I still believed.

Who was Santa Claus? What was the gift-giving associated with Santa really about? I wrote the following definition after reading an article in an old issue of Guideposts magazine. Then I emailed it to everyone in my family. They loved it.

Here it is, with a few minor edits.

“Who is Santa Claus? Now, to most people, Santa is a charming man with a plump belly, white beard, sleigh full of toys, and reindeer. A man who brings presents at Christmas. But Santa is much more then that. He is a figure that withstands all time and boundaries. He is a figure of hope to those who need it most.

So, why can’t ANYONE be a Santa? Not THE Santa, but A Santa. Who says there can’t be more then one Santa? Image if all of the gifts given in the whole world were only given by Santa? Santa’s mission is to make dreams come true. So, make some dreams come true.

Whether you believe in Santa or not, that feeling of giving will still reach you. So, give. Give what you can. Just think of the drummer boy. I mean, he only had his drum’s music as the only thing he could give to Jesus. But he still gave gifts at Christmas.

So, do the same, no matter what you have or don’t have. No matter how much money you have or how little. Give a song. A poem. A story. A “Merry Christmas.” Even a simple smile. Anything. Just give what you can to who you can. Make some dreams come true.

And who says that Santa is only for Christmas? Do this all year round, but especially at Christmas. Give the world your best. Give everyone your best. Be a Santa.”

It was 2008 & this was the year that I finally started realizing that the world was a bit more challenging then I’d previously thought. But it was still good. And despite the uncertainties, there still was magic that existed in a realm of equal uncertainty, but still could be felt.

December 23, 2016