MY TOP 19 GOALS FOR 2019

19 goals for an awesome year.

This isn’t a TOTALLY comprehensive list of my 2019 goals. First off, it would change too many times so I’m always changing & adding to it. Second, I like keeping some goals secrets until I’ve actually done them so then they can be surprises. And third, it would be too long 😀

Anyways, here is a list of 19 of my top goals for 2019.

  1. Write, direct, produce, & publish a feature film.

    I’ve wanted to make an ACTUAL film for a long time. I didn’t make any short films at all from mid-2015-most of 2018 but now I’m making a bunch. I have a ton of great ideas & a vision for what the film would be like, & I think as a filmmaker it’s an amazing goal to make something longer than a short film, not to mention a fun challenge!

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

  2. Build a cement roadside dinosaur.

    I AM OBSESSED WITH ROADSIDE DINOSAURS. I found this article of all the ones in Florida. I’ve seen several of them but someday I’d like to see them all. And I hope to seeing the Cabazon Dinosaurs this year in my travels. AND I’m photographing cement roadside dinosaurs for a photography book I’m making. But this year, I’d like to MAKE a roadside dinosaur so other people can enjoy a new one too.

  3. Start a circus.

    I don’t know what format it will be in or how it will be structured, but I would LOVE to start a circus full of amazing acts. Circuses (that don’t involve animals, I must note) are amazing & so seriously funky & whimsical so it would be so super cool to START A CIRCUS.

    ckirner / Pixabay

  4. Set up a funky museum.

    I want the THEME of it to be a surprise, but you can bet it’ll be funky, totally surprising, & one-of-a-kind. It will likely be small, weird, & one of those awesome attractions you’d find on Atlas Obscura. Collecting & curating a specialty collection & creating a really special place where people can gather & marvel at how weird & wacky the world is, is a big goal of mine.

    Couleur / Pixabay

  5. Buy an used ice cream truck.

    I’m not sure what I’ll use it for (I have SOME ideas though!) but it too will be amazing & funky. I just love the whimsical idea of owning one.

    Momentmal / Pixabay

  6. Write & publish 12+ books.

    In 2016 I did 10. In 2017 I did 11. In 2018 I did 12. I have so many great books in the works & I am SO EXCITED to be putting them out in 2019. Oh, & in 2019 I’ll also publish my 100th book! Woohoo! As of the publication of this article, I’ve already published already!

  7. Take a mini vacation each month.

    I live in the Grand Old State of Florida, & despite what my teenaged self believed, there are TONS of great places to visit & amazing things to do without even leaving my state. Of course, I have some plans to travel a lot further than just within my state, but making the effort to go to a new place, at least for a day trip, each month sounds awesome. I want to visit the Florida Keys & Miami again & see more stuff in northern Florida! Currently, I haven’t got to do this yet for either January or February, so I guess I’ll just have to take two vacations in two of the months!

    moorpheus / Pixabay

  8. Publish 3 Udemy courses!

    As of currently, I have FINALLY released my first course, “How to Make 3 Styles of Plush Bumblebees”. But what I’m most excited about is my super-comprehensive “101 Ways to Love Yourself” course, which should be out within the next few months, as well as a guided meditation course.

  9. Make enough income from growing my business, books, music, art etc that I get to spend 95% of each day everyday doing things I enjoy & feeling great & making an abundant living working for myself.

    rawpixel / Pixabay

  10. Live a completely outlandish, magical day like Pippi Longstocking does in my favorite childhood movie “The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking” but with me being an adult American with parents 😂

    HansLinde / Pixabay

  11. Get an acting role in a mid-to-big budget film.

    I have wanted to do this since I was a kid, because I love acting & I love films. So why not?

    skeeze / Pixabay

  12. Start living my version of the “Millionaire Lifestyle” regardless of whether I’m a millionaire (yet) or not.

    I just read Tim Ferriss’ “The 4-Hour Workweek” for the first time & it’s one of the most inspiring books I’ve read. It’s made me realize that even without having a millionaire’s income (yet!) that I can still live the lifestyle I would live as a millionaire.

    maya_7966 / Pixabay

  13. Walk a marathon.

    As of me publishing this article, this has been done! It was super challenging & took me 8 hours of walking through a local park to achieve, but it taught me so much about resilience & I’m so proud I did it.

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

  14. Go on a California road trip!

    I’ve loved the idea of California for a long time, & they’ve got so many great things out there. Los Angeles, the redwoods, ostriches, oceans, & dinosaurs are just a few things I’m looking forward to seeing.

    12019 / Pixabay

  15. PETS:

    Upgrade my 10 gallon aquarium 55 gallon aquarium. I love my freshwater aquarium, where I keep some small catfish & minnows & a snail. When I was 11 I had a 20-gallon aquarium, but I want to get a nice big aquarium so my fish have more room to swim & so I can have a more robust tank. I will be adding live plants & more fish! By the end of the year, I also would like all my pet reptiles & amphibians to be in spacious, bioactive vivariums, & I want to find my dog a food or something that isn’t steroids that helps his chronic skin problems (Malassezia pachydermatis).

    seagul / Pixabay

  16. Build, grow, & turn my own special miniature world into something that takes on a life & space of its own so others can enjoy it & nourish& nurture it too.

    harryHermione / Pixabay

  17. Read 100 books.

    Last year, I read 67 books (my goal was 75). But I hadn’t discovered the free Hoopla library of audiobooks until about halfway through the year. Or audiobooks in general. Audiobooks revolutionized reading for me. I have a lot of down time at work & driving time in general, so I can read a few books a week without spending additional time thanks to audiobooks!

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

  18. Write & perform at an actual venue a successful one-person show. 

    It will be a mix of comedy, theatre, music, puppets, & good-old-fashioned quirkiness. SO EXCITED TO BRING THIS ONE TO YOU!

    skeeze / Pixabay

  19. EXPERIENCES:

    Grouped together, because these are smaller & easier to achieve, & don’t require their own paragraphs: go snorkeling with manatees, milk a cow (done!!!), camp overnight on an island, pick blueberries, pick oranges, go on a 40+ mile bike ride, attend the Strawberry Festival in Plant City FL, go to the Florida state fair (done!), eat at at least 10 restaurants I’ve never been to before (one so far!), photograph roadside dinosaurs, buy more vinyl albums, sit in the front row of a medium sized concert & shake hands with the band members (DONE!!!), complete a rope adventure course, complete an obstacle course, go indoor skydiving, touch a sloth, touch a flamingo, tour the deep Everglades, get into parkour, go pescetarian for a month, take at least a few circus arts classes, connect more spiritually with the Universe, & more.

    suju / Pixabay

Here’s to a freaking amazing year <3

2018 ACCOMPLISHMENTS LIST

2018 was an EFFING EXCEPTIONAL year, beyond any expectations I had of it, & beyond measure. I began the year feeling hopeful, but also really struggling with depression & anxiety. But due to me taking positive actions to improve my life, my life itself went from “barely getting by”, “surviving”, to me actively creating & shaping the kind of world I wanted to live in, & then beginning to live there. My essay MAGIC HOURS sums these feelings up best, but here is a VERY BIG & comprehensive list of all the things & actions I took & progress I made that took those feelings & made them REAL.

CREATIVITY & BUSINESS

CONCERTS

I saw a whopping 67 BANDS IN CONCERT IN 2018!!! (List in chronological order!)

  1. AJR (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  2. Al Stewart (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  3. Alan Parsons Project (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  4. Alice Merton (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  5. Andrew McMahon & The Wilderness (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  6. Ann Wilson (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  7. The Association (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  8. Bastille (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  9. The Beach Boys (With Special Guest John Stamos) (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  10. Beat Root Revival (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  11. Billy Joel (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  12. Blackfoot (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  13. Bob Dylan (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  14. Bobby Lee Rodgers Trio (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  15. Brian Wilson (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  16. Carl Palmer’s ELP Legacy (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  17. Chicago (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  18. Chuck Negron (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  19. Chvrches (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  20. The Cowsills (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  21. Daryl Hall & John Oates (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  22. Dawes (Pepsi Center – Denver, CO)
  23. Deborah Bonham (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  24. The Doobie Brothers (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  25. The Eagles (Camping World Stadium – Orlando, FL)
  26. Elle King (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  27. Firefall (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  28. Foreigner (With Rock Symphony Orchestra) (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  29. Foster the People (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  30. Gary Puckett & The Union Gap (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  31. Greg Kihn (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  32. Jeff Beck (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  33. Jeff Lynne’s ELO/Electric Light Orchestra (Pepsi Center – Denver, CO)
  34. Jimmie Vaughn Trio (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  35. Jimmy Buffet (with special guest Caroline Jones) (Camping World Stadium – Orlando, FL)
  36. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  37. John Fogerty (Coachman Park – Clearwater, FL)
  38. Julian Frampton (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  39. Kandance Springs (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  40. KC & The Sunshine Band (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  41. LANY (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  42. Lords of 52nd Street (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  43. Lynyrd Skynyrd (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  44. Mark Lindsay (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  45. Michael Tolcher (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  46. Nathanial Racliffe & The Night Sweats (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  47. Panic! At the Disco (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  48. Paul Dowers (Elfers Community Center – Elfers, FL)
  49. Paul Rodgers (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  50. Paul Simon (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  51. Queensryche (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  52. REO Speedwagon (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  53. Rick Springfield (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  54. Roy Orbison (HOLOGRAPHIC CONCERT – Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  55. Ryan Kinder (Coachman Park – Clearwater, FL)
  56. Scorpions (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  57. Steely Dan (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  58. Styx (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  59. Tesla (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  60. The Turtles (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  61. Three Dog Night (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  62. Todd Rundgren (The Capitol Theatre – Clearwater, FL)
  63. Tommy Tutone (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  64. Toto (Ruth Eckerd Hall – Clearwater, FL)
  65. Train (Amalie Arena – Tampa, FL)
  66. Young the Giant (MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre – Tampa, FL)
  67. ZZ Top (Coachman Park – Clearwater)

FOODS

  • Went the whole month of October without eating any sweets as part of my self-directed NO SWEETS OCTOBER CHALLENGE!
  • Ate five servings of veggies & fruits every day for a month, as part of a FRUITS & VEGGIES challenge I did in August.
  • Tried macarons for the FIRST TIME EVER! Got a pistachio one from a local grocery store.
  • Went to Le Macaron for the first time & tried some AMAZING rose & coffee flavored macarons.
  • DRANK BOBA TEA FOR THE FIRST TIME, at the very wonderful Buttermilk Provisions in Wesley Chapel, FL.
  • Ate my first vegan doughnut ever at the aforementioned Buttermilk Provisions.
  • Made my first smoothie bowl ever (those acai-bowl looking things) & they are AMAZING so I make them a lot now.
  • Ate fried pickles for the first time ever (from Sam’s Beach Bar in Hudson, FL!). Ate them while sitting on the beach in the middle of break from jury duty.
  • Ate a mincemeat pie for the first time (from That Little Bakery Cafe in Elfers, FL!)
  • I have a screened in back porch now, & it’s lovely to sit out there on a warm morning & drink a cup of tea.
  • Got really good frozen yogurt at Sweet Frog.
  • Amazing combo I tried: vanilla white balsamic reduction over vanilla Haagen-Daaz ice cream with organic ribbon-sliced basil (thanks to the back description on the Alessi balsamic reduction for this recommendation!)
  • Tried a cherry mash candy for the first time.
  • Ate raw snap peas for the first time. I also really like to mix them with raw wild tomatoes.
  • Tried tostones for the first time (the lime ones are AMAZING).
  • Tried szechuan for the first time!
  • One of the best products I discovered was the Fat Toad Farm caramel, which is OUT OF THIS WORLD.
  • Decided I liked sparkling water after spending like a decade hating it. Favorite brands? Perrier (obviously), any La Croix in the slim cans (especially the blackberry cucumber one), & Icelandic.

PERSONAL

  • 2018 IS THE YEAR I BEAT MY DEPRESSION. It was clinical, it was scary, I discovered the tools I needed to teach myself how to be happy, I reinvented myself, learned how to be happy, & for the first time in nearly a decade, I AM DEPRESSION FREE. You can read more about that here.
  • Was part of writer & personal development expert Benjamin Hardy’s outstanding AMP Program (originally called 52 Weeks of Momentum) for the entire year. Thanks to this course & the people in it & the things I learned from it & the books I read because of it, I was able to TOTALLY TRANSFORM my life throughout the course of 2018.
  • Although I am usually amazed by & impressed by how much progress I am able to make in a year, 2018 is one for the books when it comes to reinventing myself. I started the year as a depressed & anxious person struggling to survive, & I ended the year as a confident, happy person with so many exceptional & exciting things in the works.
  • Quit the job that was a huge source of unhappiness & stress in my life so I could do a job I enjoyed more, even if the job I enjoy more still isn’t what I ultimately want to do. This was one of the biggest ways I upgraded this year.
  • Donated a HUGE amount of stuff to Goodwill, the Veteran’s Administration, Kidney Foundation, etc, & donated a bicycle to the amazing Eileen’s Place bike shop in Hudson, FL.
  • Got my hair cut short for the first time in a decade, & I love it so much more than having long hair! That was in February, & in September I got it cut even shorter. I LOVE IT.
  • Participated in Lake Jovita’s 5k Reindeer Run with my mom (it was her first 5k!) & won third place for my age category (by default, because I was one of three people in my category)!!! You were encouraged to wear a festive costume, so I dressed as “Indiana Jones, Christmas Tree Wrangler”. Did not win any costume prizes, but EVERYONE knows I had the best costume 🙂
  • Started listening to vinyl albums! We got a record player last Christmas, & I EFFING LOVE THE SOUND OF VINYL. Bought myself a few used vinyl albums, & I have listened to a good number of albums now on vinyl. And there are a whole bunch more of my favorites I’ve never heard on vinyl that I’m super-looking-forward to hearing on vinyl in the upcoming year. It just sounds so warm & wonderful.
  • Best things I discovered this year: Edgar Wright films, Chris Fleming, Todd Rundgren’s A Wizard/A True Star, Melissa Strype, The Mighty Boosh, Noel Fielding, Shrek Retold, Mission Impossible: Fallout, the Bohemian Rhapsody movie, the new-ish Star Trek movies, & watching musicals live.
  • Began investing, more officially, in the stock market & building a portfolio that I’m proud of!
  • Began listening to audiobooks frequently thanks to Hoopla, where I can listen to books for free using my library card! I highly recommend it, & they also have movies, ebooks, & albums!
  • Moved across town to a nice new house!
  • Improved my wealth mindset.
  • Connected with so many amazing, creative, kind, & intelligent people out in the world & by networking with people online.
  • For Halloween, dressed as an owl with flamingos!
  • Bought an AMAZING polka dot jumpsuit so I can be covered head to toe in polka dots. AND I also got a rainbow feather boa, which is so funky & is pretty much the funkiest thing ever when I wear it with my polka dot jumpsuit.
  • Participated in the Hillsborough River Half Marathon, hosted by Endeavor Racing! This was the first marathon event I participated in, I walked it rather than running because I don’t like running, & I had a marvelous time!
  • Bought some more plants, including a really great parlor palm. I’m setting up a mini makeshift plant room in my bedroom!
  • Got a lot more adorable plush animals, including some Geico gecko plush, more plush owls, & a whole bunch of funky plush reptiles & dinosaurs, among other critters!
  • BOUGHT MYSELF A CHICKEN SUIT & A RUBBER CHICKEN, which I have made good use of in my comedy so far 🙂
  • Colored my hair a caramel auburn color, purplish black, dark brown, & probably some other colors I can’t think of right now.
  • FIRST TIMES:
    • Drove a moving truck for the first time! It was a 15′ U-Haul truck, which obviously isn’t big for a truck but the biggest thing I had ever driven prior to that was a Kia minivan, & I my car now is a Smart Car. My mom, who followed behind me in the moving truck (as I drove it by myself, nonetheless) said that I “drove it like I had been born in it”. The first thing I had to do as soon as I started driving it was do a u-turn on the highway, & I swung out enough not to run over the median strip AND managed to also not hit the other side of the road. I got the truck back in one piece & was very proud of myself.
    • Went to a skate park for the first time! Went down some ramps (I still couldn’t do an ollie) which freaked me out & I had a good time.
    • Used my weed eater as an edger in my yard to edge my sidewalks for the first time! I had been using one of these.
    • Got my first root canal! Not something to be proud of, but still an experience in itself. Video coming soon. The dentists all thought I did really well, especially considering I have never even had a cavity filled before.
    • Bought some wigs for the first time, which I use in my comedy videos.
    • Used a drill by myself for the first time to build a bin for my discoid roaches that I breed for my reptiles to live in!
    • Used a Hoover Floormate mop vacuum for the first time.
    • Used regular latex paint (from the paint section of Home Depot) for the first time ever! Got them to mix me up a really gorgeous shade of amethyst purple to paint my gemstone shelf/altar with.
    • Tried on a dress (one I can’t yet afford!) at Nordstorm. It was my first time doing something like this (trying on something really nice). I tried on the INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS Galvan London Clara dress, which was covered in hand-sewn gold sequins. So much fun to think big & think ahead!
    • Went to an At Home store for the first time! They have so much great stuff.
    • Changed the brake pads on my Smart Car for the first time that I’ve done it entirely by myself! (I’ve only ever done it one other time, & I did most of the work then but my dad did help direct me & this time I did it totally alone, & successfully too!)
    • Calculated my net worth for the first time.
    • Began making something I call “mind dump lists” to help organize my thoughts & keep my always-on mind working its best. Article coming soon!

PETS

  • Got my first pet reptiles ever!
  • Went to Repticon (the big reptile expo) for the first time ever!
  • Got 3 crested geckos – Toe Bean, Pinwheel Shark, & Baby Pineapple!
  • Got a pet leopard gecko – Squiggles!
  • Got a pet albino Pac-Man Frog, Frogecoin!
  • GOT A PET MILLIPEDE, which I’ve wanted since I was 10.
  • Got a pet Texas Gold Millipede & 5 pet bumblebee millipedes.
  • Got pet/feeder superworms & have been caring for them for the past 6+ months.
  • Raised a dermastid beetle larvae to an adult.
  • Bought & began raising & breeding discoid roaches to feed to my reptiles & my frog once their colony gets going.
  • Got dwarf isopods (pillbug-looking things) & other things I need for setting up bioactive vivariums.
  • Bought & began raising mealworms to feed to my reptiles.
  • Finally bought a one of those plastic poop scoops for my dog Sparky, which makes cleaning up the yard so much easier & I wonder why I didn’t get one sooner.
  • Bought my guinea pigs an EFFING ADORABLE bumblebee costume (video coming soon!)
  • Switched Moose, Olive, & Oreo (my guinea pigs) & Starlight (my/my sister’s rabbit) to Aspen shaving bedding, which is more cost effective & seems to work as well as the paper CareFresh-style bedding I had been using.
  • Upgraded my betta tank from a 1-gallon with no filter that I had been using for years to a 5-gallon with a nice filter & a heater, & again, it’s another thing that I should have gotten a lot sooner.
  • Upgraded my guinea pigs to eating Oxbow premium guinea pig food instead of the old cheaper brand they had been eating.

READING

  • Read a total of 61 books, up from 57 in 2017.

TRAVEL & EXPERIENCES

  • Traveled to Denver, CO for the first time ever!!! I specifically went there to see Jeff Lynne’s ELO in concert (like how I traveled to Houston, TX in 2017 to see Queen in concert) & had an absolute BLAST, even though I was only there for less than 20 hours in total.
  • Visited Rocky Mountain National Park & drove the entire Trail Ridge Road! This was one of the highlights of my year. The Rocky Mountains are GORGEOUS. I drove through the Arapaho National Forest as I drove from Denver to the Rockies & drove back through Estes Park. The whole area was beautiful, & at the highest point along Trail Ridge Road, I experienced an altitude of more than 11,000 feet! Jogged back to my car at this altitude & felt like I’d run a marathon (that altitude is a lot anyways, especially when you hail from Florida & had only been in Colorado for less than a day, like me!)
  • Tried rocky mountain “oysters” for the first time while I was in Denver, from the Buckhorn Exchange! They were delicious!
  • Toured Alpaca Magic, an alpaca farm & got to pet & feed alpacas for the first time ever! It was my first time seeing an alpaca in real life too. I also got to make a piece of wool out of alpaca fiber, as part of the alpaca farm tour experience & it was SO AWESOME.
  • HELD AN OWL FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! At Tampa Repticon in February of 2018. (Thanks, Friends of Largo Nature Parks!)
  • Picked blackberries for the first time at a farm with my mom (Bob’s Blueberry/Blackberry Farm in Hudson, FL)! We had such a good time & the blackberries were delicious.
  • Toured the awesome Wildlife Survival Sanctuary in Spring Hill, FL & saw tigers, lemurs, mountain lions, tortoises, leopards, & more!
  • Went to a movie theater to watch a film for the first time since I was a young teenager, so probably the first time in 7+ years or so! Went to see Bohemian Rhapsody on its opening night, & it was fantastic!
  • Went to a wind chime making class & made a funky beaded wind chime.
  • Went to Jury Duty for the first time & turned it into something awesome by TOTALLY SEIZING THE MOMENT. Will write an article about this soon!
  • Took the world’s most satisfying nap in my hammock on my screened back porch, after getting up early for an audition. The weather was PERFECT, it was warm & slightly breezy & birds were chirping but the air was quiet like a weekend afternoon.
  • Visited Citrus Mall in Citrus Park, FL for the first time. They’ve got some great shops there!

MAGIC HOURS: 2018 WAS THE YEAR I DECIDED WHICH WORLD I WANT TO LIVE IN

I started out in the blackest pit, but I could still see a small patch of yellow sunlight as I lied in the bottom of the hole. I scribbled on papers around me; this time I’m going to get out this time I’m going to get out. With moist yearning eyes I raised my eyes towards the sky & hoped that some bit of warmth would make its way through to the inside.

That I would not only make it, but making SOMETHING of it. Something I could be proud of.

The roaring cacophony of quiet drowned out myself as I stood at the edge of a sea I had no knowledge of, falling into the same coping pattern I had always escaped from radical change by using.

 

Wokandapix / Pixabay

She stood at the top of the pit, spitting down onto me & shrieking with laughter. I was dragged through the dirt. They threw putrid mud down into the hole, cackling at my inability to rise up. I numbed out, tried to dissociate from my experience in any way possible. Even if the whole numbing was a temporary fix, a question, possibly dangerous. But it couldn’t be more dangerous than it would be to leave me unchecked, left to my own devices, exposed & able to do worse things. She was not my worst enemy, nor was he, nor were they. I was. So I faded back just enough that I could crawl through each day & wake up again the next. Never enough time. That was okay though, maybe better. But I could never escape enough.

Was there really anything beautiful about acting as the tragic figure I’d written myself to be, but never really wanted to become?

I had just come out of the whirlpool with the new knowledge that what I had been seeking HAD NOT BEEN THERE. I finally had the experience, but it was worth much less than the price of admission.

Rakicevic Nenad

Then the world exploded; all that I knew fell out from under me & was replaced, rebuilt, reinvented.

In the best way possible.

I woke up one day. It felt sudden, but I’d been slowly waking up for the past few weeks. And it struck me as soon as sunlight touched my skin: I was becoming sad less often. I had realized my sorrow for what it was: an illusion I had firmly believed in & lived, but one that didn’t have to be real for me any longer. It HAD been real: the pain was too fresh, the blood too vivid, the scars too deep for it to have been all in my mind. But as easily as it had planted its deadly seed deep inside the soil of my meadow, I could slowly pull the roots out from under the soil & destroy the plant before it destroyed the whole world I saw. The whole world I wanted to believe in.

And once I realized I had let the tiny yearning to feel something, the tiny yearning to understand melancholy, grow to such ugly proportions, it began to dissolve. It ceased to grow. It began to fade back into the darkness which it had come from.

jplenio / Pixabay

And then another day, I woke up & realized I wasn’t sad anymore.

I have discovered that joy is always more interesting than sorrow. Each day I bask in the pure gloriousness of living that way. I am already a success. The binary of success & failure has always been an illusion. I have cut the threads holding me to what I once was: afraid of the future & afraid of what people would think. And now I am myself again.

I have finally decided what world I want to live in.

I do not have to beat myself down & stay hidden & bleeding under the highway overpass in the darkest night. There is a whole other world on top of this one, layers of worlds, & I am the explorer discovering them all. Each one feeling better than the next, & I am the one finally letting myself feel good. The world I lived in was not tied to circumstance, but to choice. My choice.

I have seen both sides of the coin. I have lived in both dimensions. Both are equally as real, but it is always me who decides which one I will live in. And by the simple shift in perspective; flipping the switch & crawling through folds of energy until I am firmly back on the level I rebirthed myself on. The Vortex is real.

The Universe always had my back. It was always sitting there, hidden in the back row but cheering the loudest of all. It was always rooting for me even when I was afraid that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. Just when I thought all the lights had gone out, the Universe always showed up holding candles, slipping a crumpled piece of paper into my hand which contained a clue for what I should do next.

I found myself. She sat there alone & frightened, but I brought her back into the light. Alone on that dark sacred highway at night, as I drove under the warm yellow streetlights illuminating the smooth dark highway, with the jazz playing deep & quiet & ineffable in the background. & the feeling bubbled up inside me, it frightened me because it was so strong & so sudden, the pure vibrating eternal radiance of the sincerest relieved joy. I found myself on that drive home on the pitch-dark highway as I trusted in the golden radiance & recorded the exact color of moonlight on my arm. The moon shone down around me on the sacred fields & the tiny farmhouse & the sleeping cattle, quiet & smiling & deeply nurturing in the pale blue sacred light.

It turns out, the environment I most needed to change was the environment inside me.

And there I was, slowly & quietly chipping away at the darkness which had held me back for so long. Slowly building a better foundation, brick by brick.

I was afraid to let myself be happy because I was so used to being sad & afraid that a future that felt good was also an uncertain one. At least with sorrow, I had its cold stale hand to hold, a familiarity I knew I could always return to. With sorrow, at least I knew what my future would feel like & how I would cope with it.

When I realized it had all been a sham, the walls shattered, & I found myself free in a meadow of sunlight.

What had once been a darkness I relished & lovingly extracted every ounce of pain from now became a song I’d never liked but heard play too many times on the radio. My old standby patterns weren’t beautiful & tragic – they were just boring, & didn’t allow half enough time for me to merely exist & simply be. Too much of it was shrouded in routine & in monotonous pandering to the politics touted by over-idolized figures I wanted nothing to do with.

Sometimes before I would wonder what it would be like to disappear & reappear somewhere else, my future free & with my slate cleaned.

No baggage to carry, no fight against my own glass ceiling upper limits. And in a way, I have. I have found the hidden door in the forest, concealed behind twisted wooden vines, & I have stepped firmly from the land of darkness & into the light. I have approached the door & grasped the gold handle, stepped in the fallen leaves & heard the crunch of the new moon in the starless sky. I have stood in sudden afternoon light holding that door handle, hand frozen, afraid to move forward, refusing to accept that I AM WORTHY ALREADY.

Too separated to accept that the Universe will always love me anyways.

Too devastated by the secret knowledge that all along, another world has been parading in tandem with this one, & I could have stepped into it at any moment had I been ready sooner.

And then I opened the door.

Sunlight spilled forth. I trust you, I trust you. I picked the road leading in the direction of the same breeze I’d felt on the beach & in the city, one which wordlessly murmurs of home. And I have found that home.

The whole world is fresh. The whole world has been reborn. The Phoenix has risen from the ashes, ready to believe in its own greatness again. She would be proud if she saw me, to see what she becomes. To see she becomes the person she needed when she was a kid.

I know now that I have what it takes & have the tools to do anything & become anything that I choose to. The whole world is new, & yet it’s been there all along, waiting for me. Everything looks different, everything feels different, because now I see everything through the lens of vibrant optimism instead of the mournful, violent grays of sadness. I realized I have a choice in how I feel & what world I choose to see. In whether I struggle to survive, or flourish & thrive.

I feel like I finally decided which world I want to live in.

I have found the magic again.

2017 In Review: I’m On My Way

2017 in Review: I'm On My Way

At the beginning, I was terrified. Stressed more than anything, but still terrified. The world around me was closing in, claustrophobic. There was no space, no time, no energy to breathe. “If I can just get through this…” I kept telling myself. I made myself trudge there every day even when I didn’t want to. I had to. I kept counting off the days until I would be free again. I felt like breaking down was as imminent as a heartbeat.

 

The dams were open. I had just come out of the whirlpool with the new knowledge that what I had been seeking HAD NOT BEEN THERE. I had searched for it, implored that it show up, talked to them, tried to open up, felt at home, lost it, had to remain there. For years & years, the thing that haunted me had been my own deep isolation, & through trying to find that connection I learned it had never been what I’d been looking for. I finally had the experience, but it was worth much less than the price of admission.

 

I watched as people around me changed. I drew back, quiet, the recluse in the hall. I watched them branch out & make new connections. Their connections made me jealous, sad, outcast at first. “WHY NOT ME?” I cried to the broken windowpanes. But through the months & the journey, I realized I liked solitude & connection, but only if connection was genuine, & if it was authentically valuable to me. I would hate to have friends like she has. What a change from before, when even the most deadbeat of friends would have been welcomed with open arms!

 

But I connected with things differently. I saw them differently, felt them differently. I felt the visceral satisfaction in the lighting when it was just the right way. In the photographs I saw. In the music that played over crackling speakers on vinyl. In the way it smelled in the car when the sky was just clearing from rain & that song came on the radio & I plugged into beautiful, indescribable things. I still embraced the Alien I had discovered last December, but it stopped being so self-loathing, & I learned to love it & trust it.

 

I realized I didn’t have to be like anybody else.

 

& despite my terror that 2017 was going to be bland & meaningless, mixed with my hope that it would be the year things finally began, I started finding my way.

 

I stopped doubting the way I felt about the inherent things inside me, feelings I’d carried since birth. I stopped putting on their brown-lensed goggles that made the world look dark & muddy & hopeless. My real eyes saw colors other people could not understand, & different things had meaning to me than what they found valuable. I got my sustenance from the images inside & outside of my mind, & from the specific feelings those images evoked. I stopped looking at her life like I was falling behind, like I was the late-bloomer, like there was something wrong with me. Because perhaps I was, had been blooming, but my flowers were much different than hers.

 

I let the weird, wonderful authenticity of my real self finally show through. I loved the things I loved with childlike abandon. I stopped apologizing so much for the things I should never have apologized for in the first place. I opened up to the things worth letting into my life, & finally said no to the things that stopped serving me, or never had in the first place. I stopped feeling so guilty about doing what I needed to do, especially when I saw people weren’t as disappointed by my lack of participation as I’d always thought they would be. I learned that happiness was my choice alone, & that it was separate from my circumstances.

 

Most of all, I opened up & let the Universe change me, I let it show me beauty, I let it show me awe, I let it show me pure joy. & I let myself feel those things, finally, deeply, lovingly. The Universe always had my back. It was always sitting there, hidden in the back row but cheering the loudest of all. It was always rooting for me even when I was afraid that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. Just when I thought all the lights had gone out, the Universe always showed up holding candles, slipping a crumpled piece of paper into my hand which contained a clue for what I should do next.

 

I was never alone in this.

 

& when I set out on adventures that months before I never could have began to fathom, I found myself. I found myself on the pier at sunset. I found myself in the deep night of the Everglades. I found myself in the ocean swimming with the loose shark. I found myself in the photo of pure joy I saw in my own face as I reached out to touch the animals. I found myself in the perseverance it took to push past my comfort zone & repeatedly triumph. I found myself in drive along the bridge trying to get to where I would sleep, & in the arms of beaches, quiet Atlantic waves lapping my feet at sunset. I found myself in hotel rooms, sleeping in cars, hiking the trails; in the explorations, the tribulations, the challenges, the pain, the fear, the uncertainty, the moments of sacred profoundness. I found myself in a room of people who believed they deserved better, & in the seats of concert halls as familiar music played. I found myself on the airplane, in the music I heard there, in the jazz night in the city, in the gardens, in my own courage of getting myself there, somewhere new, & back home safe. & I found myself on the hill watching the headlights go by on the highway at night, under the full moon while people skipped in time with pure, alive radiance contained in music.

 

2017 in Review: I'm On My Way

 

& I finally learned to be happy. Alone on that dark sacred highway at night, as I drove under the warm yellow streetlights illuminating the smooth dark highway, with the jazz playing deep & quiet & ineffable in the background. & the feeling bubbled up inside me, it frightened me because it was so strong & so sudden, the pure vibrating eternal radiance of the sincerest relieved joy. In that moment I learned a new emotion; spontaneous laughter sung out from my lungs in euphoria; I could not help but laugh at how beautiful everything around me was. I found myself on that drive home on the pitch-dark highway as I trusted in the golden radiance & recorded the exact color of moonlight on my arm. The moon shone down around me on the sacred fields & the tiny farmhouse & the sleeping cattle, quiet & smiling & deeply nurturing in the pale blue sacred light.

 

2017 ended up being the year of OPPORTUNITIES. Where I learned how to see opportunities where I only saw dust before; to have the courage to pursue them when I found them; to open myself up to the vulnerable faith that everything really was going to be okay & let the magic change me.

 

At the end of 2016, I summarized the year with the phrase,

 

“I did my best.”

 

But 2017 was bookended by a much more optimistic phrase:

 

“I am on my way.”

 

Because I truly feel like now, I am.

 

2018, I know you’re going to be amazing. The seeds I have sown in 2017 are going to blossom into things that will nurture me. They will blossom into big beautiful trees & the brightest neon flowers. Now I know how to make, to design, to build, to manifest an amazing year, & now I know who I am & who I’m going to be, I know that all good things are available to me.

 

& so 2018, I say this deep & from the bottom of my heart:

 

I trust you.

I’m Going to Become a Millionaire in 2018

Just one favor from you: hold me accountable.

I’m going to become a millionaire in 2018.

That’s my big goal for the upcoming year.

I don’t know how yet, but I have some exciting ideas. But the how is not the important thing just yet.

The important thing is that I’ve decided.

Declaring this goal publicly is equally important. Being publicly held accountable for ACHIEVING the goal you set is supposed to be really helpful. Public accountability makes things happen.

So I need your help, just one tiny favor from you:

HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE.

That way if I wimp out & DON’T do this, I’ll know that other people were counting on me to hustle & make my goals happen. I’ll feel embarrassed that I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. I’ll be disappointed. I hate disappointing myself, but when it’s only you you’re answering to, it’s easy to say, “Well, I guess it just wasn’t the right time yet.” When really, you could have done it if you had a reason to.

If you knew you HAD to. If you burnt all your boats & went for it.

By saying this to you, I’m making it so I HAVE to do this.

Not that I don’t have very compelling personal reasons “why” even without anyone knowing about this. I do know my “why”. My “why” is because being a millionaire would allow me to live my best life, provide for my family beyond their wildest dreams, help elevate & empower & promote other artists/writers/musicians/awesome people, & to do my part to take care of the world. They deserve me living my best life. I deserve me living my best life. I feel like achieving that level of success so I can do those things is my duty. Because I can’t lift up other people as much as I’d like to if I’m in the pit too.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE ALIVE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY TO BE ALL YOU CAN.

I know I deserve to live my best life, because I’ve always, ever since I was a kid, known I was destined to. I’ve definitely had my dark times & doubts, but they never were able to kill that underlying thread, the message deeply entwined in who I am that one day, I AM going to make it big.

When things have been dark, that knowledge that I’m meant for something greater — the greatest happiness, the greatest success, recognition, wealth, & intentional & good-feeling fame — is what’s allowed me to rise back into the light. I have always been heading towards these things.

I hold myself accountable to a very high level. But even I sometimes wimp out & play small & think, “maybe I don’t deserve this”. Or I stop when I don’t know how to move forward & let myself get distracted by other things. Or I’m afraid of succeeding. Afraid I won’t like it once I get there. & then I don’t make it happen. I don’t try push enough. Then at the end of the year, I look back with some disappointment that I didn’t do what I TOLD MYSELF I was going to do.

& because I’m getting very tired of falling back on playing small, on not LETTING myself have the money & the success & the HAPPINESS that feel far away even though I know they’re totally within my reach, I’m trying something new this year.

That’s why I need your help.

I just read the amazing “ What Happens When You Take Full Responsibility For Your Life” article here on Medium from one of my favorite writers, Benjamin P. Hardy. The article is about taking radical responsibility for your life & actually COMMITTING to making your dreams happen. Unconditionally & unquestionably RESOLVING to achieve your goals. I highly recommend you read it if you want to make 2018 your best year EVER.

In his article, he challenged the reader to make a big decision & then make sure everyone else knows about your decision so they can hold you accountable. The reason it encourages success is because people like being seen as consistent with what others believe they are. You like seeing YOURSELF as being consistent with what you believe you are. This is one way you “burn your boats”.

Your mind will almost literally move mountains to keep up with what it believes its standards are.

This is why people who don’t believe they deserve something will go to great lengths to sabotage any sort of success. They can’t believe they deserve it, so they don’t let themselves have it. Even if having it would be way easier than resisting it.

This is also why people who believe in their own success will overcome even the most crushing of setbacks & achieve outstanding things. People can do miraculous things when they really believe they can do something.

People also don’t like letting other people down, because disappointing others & not living up to their expectations doesn’t feel good. Especially if they expect something great from you & if they genuinely want something for you which is in your actual best interest.

So, if I’m not a millionaire by the end of 2018, I’m going to feel disappointed because I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. I’m not going to feel like I was consistent with what was expected of me. With what I TOLD YOU I was going to do.

But I don’t think I’ll be disappointed. I believe this IS possible for me. Even if I can’t see exactly how yet. But I do have a lot of options, a lot of ways it could pan out.

Sure, it’s an ambitious goal. It’s by far my most ambitious yearly goal yet.

But I’m no stranger to making big goals. At the beginning of this year, I made some pretty big plans about traveling by myself for the first time, & they weren’t even very specific goals. ALSO, a lot of the goals I set at the beginning of the year were NOT things I actually expected I would accomplish this year. I made them with good intentions, but I also put them on there like, “Well, I hope this happens this year (but deep down inside it’s probably not going to)”.

& I still made them happen. Because somewhere along the line, I started genuinely believing they WERE possible.

That’s how 2017 ended up being the most freaking amazing year of my life. I went on an epic road trip around Florida by myself (my first trip away from home), traveled from Tampa to Houston to see Queen (one of my all-time favorite bands) in concert, saw a lot of my other favorite bands in concert, ran my first 5K, published numerous books, acted in a play, started investing in the stock market even though I knew nothing about it when I started, grew my online business, started a podcast, bought my absolute DREAM guitar (Fender Telecaster Thinline 72′ Series), & started my own weekly show on YouTube. I also really figured out what I wanted & who I wanted to be.

An amazing freaking year. & yet at the beginning of the year I assumed the year would be cool but also kind of lame, & that I wouldn’t really move forward much. That it would be just like every other year before it.

But I was wrong. I got out there & made shit happen.

& I learned who I want to become in 2018. What I want. Another piece of the map showing me the way to my best life. The best life that I am actively creating for myself.

It’s time I took radical responsibility for my life. It’s time I stopped playing small & pretending I can’t have or don’t deserve the things that make me light up.

So I’m sending my declaration out there loud & clear. I’m ready. Let’s make this happen.

By the end of 2018, I will be a millionaire. & it’s going to feel really good, in all aspects.

So, will you help me?

Will you hold me accountable?

& I’ll hold you accountable too. Let me know in the comments what you’re going to create for yourself in 2018.

We’ll watch those boats burn together. Then, with no more excuses stopping us from becoming our best selves, we’ll watch 2018 become the most amazing year of our lives yet.

 —

Thank you so much for reading this! If you could click on the APPLAUSE button on the left, that would be fantastic! Hope you have a really great day.

There are Only 30 Days Left in the Year. What Are You Going to Do About It?

You still have time, but you have to go NOW.

There are 30 Days Left in the Year. What Are You Going to Do About It?
There are only 30 days left in 2017.
A lot of days, if you use them well. Only a few if you waste them.

But it’s your choice what you make of the last month of the year.

Not that 30 days ISN’T a pretty long time. It’s about 8.33% of a year. 1/12. That’s a pretty big chunk.
If you use it right. If you think about it the right way. You can change your life in a month.
It isn’t the time to start “winding down”. It isn’t the time to say, “The year’s almost over. Not much more I can do.”
No.
It’s time to put the pedal to the metal. It’s time to start cranking out the projects you wanted to work on. It’s time to check more things off your to-do list. Time to review your goals for the year & ask, “What else can I get done this year?”. Your last chance to accomplish the things in 2017 that you planned on doing. Your last chance to become a little more of the person you wanted to be this year.
Anything you wanted to do this year that you haven’t done yet needs to be done NOW.
You wanted to start a podcast? GO. Do the first episode. NOW. Get whatever microphone you can get your hands on, even if it’s just your phone.
You wanted to get healthier? Get up from wherever you’re sitting & take a walk. Eat a piece of fruit for desert instead of cake.
You wanted to write a novel? You might not have enough time to finish it. But you can start. & that will be what matters, that you finally started.
You wanted to be happier? What are you waiting for? It’ll never be the right time to finally let yourself be happy. You’ll always have some excuse why you can’t be happy. Let yourself be happy now.

The year is almost over.

But you still have time.

Time to read a few more books. Time to relax more. Time to be happy. Time to work on your business. Time to be healthier. Time to record that song. Time to start your blog. Time to learn to code. Time to put more money in your savings. Time to be a better friend. Time to reinvent yourself, again.
The door is closing on 2017. Ask yourself, “What would be the perfect finale to make 2017 the most amazing year of my life?”. What would be the icing on the cake? Do that. It’s your power to make 2017 go out with triumph. To slide up to the finish line as the winner, yelling, “I did it! I did it! I won!”. To accomplish more than you thought you could. To expand your limits. To set yourself up for success. To set yourself free. To build momentum.
2018 is going to be amazing, I just know it. But you have to be ready to make it so.
DO IT NOW.
There are only 30 days left in the year.
You might not have everything you need.
But you have enough to get started.
Who do you want to be?
& more importantly:

What are you going to do about it?

Goals for 2017 (& 2016 Accomplishments)!

Colorful fireworks new years celebration

Wow, 2016 was a year filled with so many changes. There were a reasonable number of not-so-good things that happened, & a number of really good things that happened for me (you can read my poetic essay about the year here). I’ll choose to focus on the awesome things.

For last year’s posts, see 2016 Goals & Reflections on 2015. It’s pretty interesting reading them now!

Before I get started telling you what I plan on doing in 2017, here’s a quick overview of what I achieved in 2016:

★ Officially launched the publishing company I’d been dreaming about for years, Freedom Meadow Media. Starting a company was a little bit challenging, but very rewarding.

★ Published 4 books (A Beautiful Question of Where & When; So Long, Lonesome Place101 Ways to Love Yourself; & Owls), as well as 6 zines (Flowers, One; & issues 9, 10, 11, 12, & 13 of Assemblage)!

Started an online store (!!!!!!!), where I curate a collection of awesome, funky, adorable, & colorful things. I’ve sold more stuff than I thought I would so far (mostly on the eBay listings for my products), which is very exciting!

★ Re-released my debut album, Fields of Destiny, via CD Baby, therefore making it available for purchase on Amazon, iTunes, & a whole host of other online music retailers. PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY BUY IT NOW.

Got my first-ever acting role, as Audrey in Ken Ludwig’s play Leading Ladies, & a second acting role in the play Shakespeare in Hollywood as Puck.

★ My first article to be published by a website other than my own was published by Thought Catalog!

Got pet guinea pigs, which is something I’ve wanted since I was nine or ten years old.

★ Bought a Smart Car! Ever since I was sixteen I always wanted one, because they’re both very safe & very gas efficient. This is something I manifested for myself, after test driving a lot of shitty, cheap cars. I decided I wasn’t going to settle for one of the aforementioned cars I test drove, figured out a way to make the Smart Car happen, & voila! I have a Smart Car, & I love it. It’s even more awesome than I thought it would be.

★ Edited & re-published the second edition of Shipwrecked, in addition to a lot more of my books through my publishing company, Freedom Meadow Media.

★ Got my driver’s license! After a long seven months of learning how to drive, I finally got my licence. This was one of the most influential things that happened to me, because now I have the ability to go wherever I want & make things happen for myself. I’m no longer limited in this aspect.

★ Touched a crocodile (at a local Earth Day event). It was cool being able to touch such a powerful animal, & the scales on his back were unlike anything I’ve ever touched.

★ Got a Nutribullet-esque blender for making healthy smoothies. It’s not THE Nutribullet, but my dad got it for me & I love it. I made a really great smoothie with it the other day involving blood oranges, English cucumber, & a salad with pea shoots. This was something on last year’s list.

★ I actually wrote down five things that happened to me each day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, for the past year! In years prior I’ve always been bummed out about not having a written record of the year. I’ve never been disciplined enough to actually do this, but now, thanks to the Document Your Life journal that I wrote & published, I actually achieved this, & I’m proud of myself!

★ Felt like I’m getting a much better idea of who I am + what I want out to life.

Landscape with hills & trees

Goals for 2017

As for all of the awesome things I’m going to do in 2017, I have a few new ideas for planning these goals. The first school of thought which I think sounds intriguing is picking one big goal to accomplish each month. I forgot where I heard this, but I like the idea. If I do this, I’ll stay on track for all the big goals I have for the year. No matter what else happens, I will accomplish 12 big things this year, & the idea of that is really exciting. Provided I accomplish the big goal for each month, I can then achieve as many small goals each month too, without having to worry about not achieving the big things.

The second idea is inspired by two ideas. The first – multiple things James Altucher has written where he discusses picking themes for your life instead of goals. The second – what Gretchen Rubin discusses in The Happiness Project, about how Ben Franklin picked thirteen virtues to rate & measure his performance in. I thought, “Why not combine the ideas & pick some themes that I want to work on cultivating this year, in addition to the big goals?” Both lists of alternate goal are still things I’m working on.

In the mean time, here are some things I plan to accomplish in the upcoming year:

★ Direct a film. By film, I mean a real film starring actors other than myself, & a variety of locations, & a script. I have several ideas & haven’t picked one yet, but this is one of the things I’m most excited about doing.

★ Run in a 5k. As it is now, I’m in reasonable shape but can’t run for more than a few minutes in a row. I bought myself some running shoes & a stop watch so that when I’m able to start training, it will be easy.

★ Continue growing my online store. I have a TON of plans for things I want to start selling, & products I’m working on designing. SHOP Ashlee Craft will soon be home to t-shirts, a whole bunch of stickers, & hopefully some new exclusive pins, all designed by me. I also think it would be awesome to design magnets, window clings, & journals.

★ Get a paid acting gig. Acting is lots of fun, & I’m glad that I took the leap & started pursuing it in this previous year.

★ Republish out-of-print books that I love under my publishing company. There are loads of great things – books, music, films, images, etc – which are great, but people don’t know about them anymore. They should, & I want to be the one to help these works of art be brought into the light again.

★ Read a lot more. For most of 2016, I sadly didn’t read very much at all. Towards the end of the year I bought a lot of great books (Choose Yourself & What To Do When It’s Your Turn are two that stand out) & actually started reading them. Then I realized how much I missed reading. This year, I’m actually going to track every book I read, & I’m going to read as many as possible.

★ Record more cover songs. I LOVED recording my cover of David Bowie’s Changes. I have a whole list of other songs I would love to cover, so I’m going to work on this a lot more soon. Before the end of the year, I will also release another album of original compositions.

★ Start investing in companies. I’ve already picked out a few good prospects I will buy stock in soon.

★ Write more books. This is always a goal of mine, because there are always so many books to write. Currently in my book release plans are the novel I’ve been working on for two years, a children’s storybook about owls, a children’s series about a mouse, another motivational book, a book of personal essays, more issues of Assemblage, & more zines. A lot of the books I’ve already published are also going to be republished under Freedom Meadow Media.

★ Release an app.

★ Travel. I would love to travel to three different places. Somewhere in my state, a different state, & a different country.

★ Minimalism. This means excluding things – physical things, mental things, wasted time, unhappiness – to make more room for the things that really do feel good. I’m not trying to have as few things as possible, but as many things that make me happy with as few unnecessary things as possible. I really like this quote from this article I was reading earlier, titled Like Henry David Thoreau, but with Wi-Fi. “Everything in my life become my favorite thing.” I want to live my life like that.

★ Figure out what I really want. For now. Become more myself. Reinvent myself a hundred times this year, if that’s what it takes. Get to the place that I think I’m going. Be happier, for real.  Know what it feels like to finally have peace of mind. Explore & live in the world that is mine.

What are your goals for 2017? Let me know on the social media channel of your choice!

Hello, Beautiful 2017

Two sparklers

The moon last night looked like a Cheshire cat in the sky, smiling with golden good natured mischief & mystery. I listened to Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” & Hall & Oates’ “Rich Girl” loud in the car. My two favorite songs at the moment. I looked out at the streetlamps & the velvety cloak of darkness.

Just like last year, the transition of one year to the next occurs in the center of a sea of changes. Both this year & last year at this time, the sense of a major shift is pervasive. The kind of feeling where everything is changing; all the old ideas & beliefs & paradigms & personas & dynamics & status quos. Worlds open up – stars are born & die in front of you & then born again – everything circles around in the middle of a wind storm.

The seas are rough but able to be navigated. The rain falls hard but they water the flowers. The old things you used to be are slowly fading & shriveling & retreating back into the brush they came from.

Fears were created & fears were put to rest, & ultimately I still ended up with less of them, & more of them simultaneously. Uncertainty. The great fear still remains in the backdrop (happiness) but fears emerged to the front lines (breakdown). But the fears are all quieted in the warmth of humid nights, when it’s all wrapped up in a blanket.

Confidence was built. It was built in each hour I spent in front of those who would judge me & decide the turns my path would take, but I was still the one choosing to be there. Choosing to be judged, so that I may progress. It also showed its face when I actually started asking for what I wanted. I asked him & he said yes. I told them & they were supportive & encouraging. I announced it to them & they wanted to help me & didn’t care that I was turning away at the same time. I decided & they were there. I showed up, & spoke up, for the first time in years.

Showing up. That’s another thing. I watched as those around me were reluctant to take chances. To make choices. To put themselves out there somewhere they might fail. In most failures though, the failure itself is the only worst-case-scenario. If someone says no the world doesn’t stop spinning. & if you don’t try, there’s no way you can ever win. Showing up, in all ways, not just putting yourself out there but also showing up for your own decisions, owning them. Making choices & then making them happen.

I found a home & then it was gone. I reveled in my relief when I walked through your doors. Immediately you took me in. I found your embrace full of love & genuine connection & fun & it gave me something to do & I loved it. Knowing you made all the other things fade away. I thought that I would shrivel when you left me. I didn’t think I could do anything without you. You were like a drug. It was all about me depending on something other than myself & putting all my happiness in it & betting my whole existence on whether you liked me back. I need to stop doing that. When will I realize that happiness will never come from dependency on such anchors? It needs to be mine.

I found my people but then they left me. Slowly they walked out on me & the door closed. They never opened it again. I thought they were the ones that were supposed to make me feel the way I always wanted to feel. I thought the loneliness would go away. Sooner or later, one of us must know that I really did try to get close to you. I tried, & reached out further & more honestly than I ever had, & with deeper vulnerability. But despite finally putting myself out there & trying to make a connection, they turned their backs & went separate ways. I loved you but you didn’t love me back. & I will be okay with that. Somewhere out there I will find my friends.

Colorful whimsical ferris wheel

Also, there were beautiful things. That moment sitting in the golden light of afternoon in the restaurant smiling & feeling like I belonged somewhere for once. New love & new forms of happiness. The home, the memories, friendship – they all still meant something, frozen in time, even if they were no longer the same glowing realms they had been before.

It was a year when I really opened up my hands & reached out & created. I feel like 2016 was like a big educational seminar, teaching me how the world worked & how to ask the questions I needed to ask. A year which required me to make decisions about who I was & who I was going to be. I feel like I learned more this year that probably any other year in recent history.

2016: a year of making magic & of deepening belief in magic, & one where despite some of the painful & darkened challenges that I encountered, I still made it. I survived. It feels like it was a year of growing hope, a stepping stone year, vitally important to be completed & triumphed over before being able to move on to the next open doors.

Open, a concept I tie to authenticity. I want to make 2017 a year of authenticity, & honesty, & freedom. & I want all of those concepts to tie into happiness, to tie into a grander & more wonderful & much more happy + free version of myself.

& so, I open my arms up & my heart up & I make the new year feel comfortable & welcome. I open my heart to let in all the new light through mosaic windows, & open my hands to new creations that must be made. The hope has been built up into a big glowing ball of light, & the music is on, & I am dancing, & I turn now to face the Newness, radical potential, happiness, magic, freedom. I stand tall & proud, looking out at the star-filled sky & the Cheshire cat moon & later, cheerful rays of sunbeams painted across my floor, & I say,

“I’m ready.”

A Few Goals for 2016

Hanabii in Adachi-ku2

I am in the process of writing & perfecting my New Year’s goals. Every year, the idea of this – the process – excites me, because although I make changes to who I am & what I want constantly throughout the year, New Year’s (or at least the beginning of the year) seems like a good blank slate in which to make new decisions about where I’m heading.

I must note that in my New Year’s goal list that I make every year, the list is a running list. It is never “complete”, & it isn’t supposed to be. I add to it constantly. The list doesn’t JUST contain goals which I intend on completing in that given year – a good portion of them are things I want to do this year, but there’s also lots of long-term goals I put on there to remind myself to work towards the goals so in a future year they can be achieved.

I then break this master list down & choose specific things to work towards each week, which I write down in a notebook & highlight with a highlighter as I accomplish the tasks. Once a goal is completed, I put the date of completion after it on my master list & place it in a separate list at the bottom of my goal list document. At the end of the year, I remove the list of accomplished goals from the document & place it in a new document. I then rewrite the goal list for the new year, so that each list reflects that year alone. There’s no point in leaving the things on my 2015 list, for example, that I didn’t accomplish, so I just move them on to the next year!

The thing is, I like the basic concept of my list, but I decided that this year I wanted to make the goal list more personalized & specific. Sometimes in years prior, I haven’t changed or edited the list very much aside from adding new things to it, so I found quite a few things on the list that I was no longer interested in accomplishing.

Additionally, it wasn’t organized as well as I hoped it could be, so I decided to assign the goals to specific categories : GENERAL, ADVENTURES, BOOKS & WRITING, CREATIVITY & ART, EDUCATION, FASHION, FINANCES, FITNESS & HEALTH, HABITS, HAPPINESS, HOBBIES & RELAXATION, HOME, MUSIC, PETS & FAMILY, & RELATIONSHIPS. This way, it will be easy to find the goals for each week’s goal lists, & easy to keep my ideas organized.

Personally, 2015 ended up being a surprisingly amazing year for me – I could never have guessed how interesting & great it would end up at the start of the year (for more details, read about my New Year’s Day reflections) – & I plan on making 2016 even betterTo accomplish this, I need to have a solid plan, which I feel like I have now thanks to my reorganized goal list.

A few goals of mine for 2016 …

Organize my entire garage utilizing plastic storage bins. This means cleaning out ALL the clutter, downsizing it, & making sure I only keep things I actually need. I’m tired of having a garage filled with cardboard boxes full of things I haven’t used or thought about in years, & for the most part, if it’s not inside my house, I probably don’t need it. Goal : have a very clean, organized garage that makes it super easy to find holiday decorations & has room for impromptu disco parties.

Dye all my hair/part of my hair copper, rose gold, or red-orange. I really love my natural hair color, but in the past year I’ve really taken an interest to experimenting with my hair. I read this article & it provided additional inspiration to take the leap. I might do dip-dyed hair like I did with red hair over the summer, or I might dye all my hair if the effect is more subtle.

Learn & become somewhat decent at fencing / kickboxing / archery.

Improve at skateboarding. I want to learn how to do some basic jumps, & improve at my skateboarding in general. Time for some more practice, & YouTube!

Become at least somewhat fluent in Spanish.

Read more. Read through books I own. I own so many books that I have never read. Most of them are collected from the free or $0.25 book bins at the library or thrift stores) that I have never read. This means that I have a lot of hidden gems that I don’t even KNOW that I have, & this year, I want to find them!

See & interact with sloths & owls in real life. Sloths are one of my top favorite animals, & owls ARE my favorite. I want to be able to experience these animals in real life, as opposed to just seeing pictures or videos online.

★ Buy a Nutribullet so I can make healthy smoothies & up my intake of fruits & veggies.

★ Do more acts of love for myself. Buy myself fresh flowers at least once a month. Make my bed every day. Make time to read & listen to music more. Take more time for myself. Distance myself from negativity. Drink more tea. Honor & respect & do my best to love my body & myself unconditionally. Start living my life the way I want to, & becoming the person I feel like being. Nourish myself with healthy, wholesome foods, but also eat things less healthy & wholesome when I feel inclined to. Open the windows. Do yoga. Let myself be happy. Realize that I don’t need someone else to make my life complete, or to make my happiness complete or “legitimate”.

What are some of your goals for this year? 2016 is the year for you to finally do all those things you’ve been afraid to. 2016 is the year to start loving yourself, or increase the level of happiness in your life as much as you can, so that your life feels so good & illuminated. I hope you plan it or let it happen or both, so that this year is your most radiant year ever.