Why I Feel So Much Compassion for My 18-Year-Old Self

Why I Feel So Much Compassion for 18-Year-Old-Me

I was looking through my old diaries from when I was a very sad, very lonely teenager. It was 2013 & I was 18 years old. Back when I was always changing my name. Trying to find some type of identity for myself. I filled out multiple questionnaires that I wrote myself. About what I believed in. What I liked & didn’t like. I wrote little stories about the things I wished I was doing instead.

There was a lot of me talking about how sad I was. How much I wanted to move out. I felt like moving out was the only way I would be able to throw off the (self-imposed) chains that made me feel so heavy I couldn’t move. I wished so desperately that I had real friends. I was in a prison of my own making. Digging myself out of it wouldn’t be for another couple of years.

I realized I actually did a pretty lot of cool things back then. I forgot how many I had done. I didn’t have a car or know how to drive, so I couldn’t really go anywhere & do anything. But I still somehow found things to do. I read a huge number of books, watched numerous films, spent all my time working on the books, music, videos, etc.

All my projects could be my main priorities. I learned a lot by reading libraries worth of books & the entire Internet (or so it sometimes felt). Back when I was both very free, very chained, very lonely, & very empowered to choose & do whatever I wanted, within the bounds that were set. How much difference is there between freedom & loneliness, sometimes?

Sometime else though stood out the most. I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion for my younger self as I read what I’d written. Some of the hopes & fears that I had back then were the same ones I still had now. The fear that maybe I was really a lame person. The eternal question of who I really was. The eternal hope that I really was going to end up where I wanted to, eventually. Some of the fears & hopes that were very important to me back then look pale, & sometimes almost ridiculous, looking at them now. But I still felt immense love & admiration for me, four years ago, here & now in the future. We were still the same person, existing on different planes of time simultaneously.

In one of the notebooks, I found the letter I had written to my 10-year-old self. The letter was only one page, but summed it up pretty well. It was 18-year-old me telling 10-year-old me how much she loved her. How great sorrows & great joys were all on their way.

That no matter what happened, I shouldn’t be afraid. That I shouldn’t lose hope. Because this is 18-year-old me telling 10-year-old me that she survived everything that was yet to happen. It was powerful hope being showered back into the past, a golden light put in the hands of a frightened, lonely 10-year-old. A message from the future that she made it.

More importantly, it was 22-year-old me being able to look back on 18-year-old me (who was looking back at 10) & realize the same messages, the same love, the same hope applied equally to myself at 10 as it did at 18.

There are many things about that era that resonate with me now. The same hopes & fears. & I have been reminded how I felt them, loved them, feared them, wanted them, even back then. That if I could feel a sense of freedom even back then, that I could feel it again. I am both the same person I was in that time span, & an entirely different person, rolled into someone new who is everything & undefined, fluid, at the same time. I reach back through the folds of space & fill my hands & arms with all the things I want to incorporate & reuse. I had more wisdom back then than I thought I did.

18-year-old me expressed her love for 10-year-old me in the letter. If I could go back in my past, to me any point in time, I would tell her the same thing. She too has a lot of fears, sorrows, & joys ahead of her, more than she knows.

But I would still tell her this:

You are going to be okay.

And:

You make it.

That’s what I want her to know, because she didn’t know it well enough back then. I want her to know I love her, & I always will.

Previous Outfits of the Day // April 20, 2017

Cool outfits I discovered in my photo archive.

Leopards + Giraffes

George white dress shirt / grey & black leopard print sleeveless shirt / ponytail / pink round earrings / white giraffe earrings

I wanted to wear something that looked cool & casual, but also had fun wildlife safari vibes. The outfit was monotone in blacks, greys, & whites, with a surprise touch of pink.

Special Effects Red Ombre Hair

Batman Shirt & Red Hair

Special Effects red ombre curls / grey & yellow Batman shirt

Floral Sweater & Red Hair

Special Effects red ombre curls / floral + black sweater

These photos are from a time I dip-dyed the ends of my hair red with Special Effects Nuclear Red hair dye. It was winter, so I am also seen wearing an awesome cozy floral sweater & a Batman t-shirt.

HAPPY

Black lacy sleeveless shirt & braid 2

black lace-edged sleeveless shirt / ponytail braid / “HAPPY” earrings / tiny cupcake earrings

Black lacy sleeveless shirt & braid 3

I’m pretty sure I wore this one to go to the local ice cream parlor & to do some shopping. It had cool casual vibes to it, & anything is better with tiny cupcake earrings. Also, I love the round silver earrings with “HAPPY” embossed in them.

Black lacy sleeveless shirt & braid

FLORAL + POLKA DOTS

pink v-neck t-shirt / floral print skater skirt / pink, white, & blue polka dot socks from Michaels / clear glitter jelly shoes / moonstone heart charm necklace (moonstone charm from Etsy) / sparky black hair bow / old watch / bright pink lipsticks / cherry earrings / diamond earrings

I think this outfit had the perfect mixture of classic style (a skirt, the old leather watch, hair bow) & cool funky pattern & color combinations (polka dots + floral, blue, pink). I love my moonstone necklace, & the jelly shoes are an awesome thing to add to pretty much any outfit.

 Galaxy EyelidsGalaxy Eyelids

Galaxy Eyelids

Galaxy Eyelids

I made layers of various shades of purple & blue eye shadow, then drew the dots for stars with silver glitter eyeliner that I bought at Claire’s.

Galaxy Eyelids

Galaxy OUTFIT

Galaxy Outfit

George white dress shirt / galaxy leggings / combat boots from Walmart / blue nail polish / galaxy eyelids / ponytail / “HAPPY” earrings

Galaxy Outfit

This is the outfit I wore with the above “Galaxy Eyelids”. I LOL now seeing my old pair of combat boots, which I had before I bought the Doc Martens I have now. Gotta love all things galaxy print though.

Pineapple & Ponytail

Pineapple Shirt & Ponytail

pineapple print t-shirt / ponytail

My hair is always cool & curly.

Red Flannel

Red Flannel Shirt & a Bun

red flannel shirt / bun / everyday makeup

My favorite red flannel shirt + a sleek bun.

Legwarmers & Floral Shirt

Legwarmers & Floral Shirt

floral button up collared shirt from thrift store / shorts / grey legwarmers / black & white Converse-style tennis shoes / old watch with leather strap / tiny cupcake earrings / winged eyeliner / silver round earrings

Legwarmers & Floral Shirt

Legwarmers & Floral Shirt

Thrift store finds + funky 80’s style legwarmers = DOUBLE WIN.

We Love You, Little Owl – Sample Chapter

We Love You, Little Owl by Ashlee Craft

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Page 1 - We Love You, Little Owl by Ashlee Craft

The little owl was trying to go to sleep. He couldn’t, because something was wrong.

Page 2 - We Love You, Little Owl by Ashlee Craft

The little owl couldn’t go to sleep because he was sad and lonely.

“I feel alone.” The little owl said. “I don’t have any friends, and I am scared.”

Page 3 - We Love You, Little Owl by Ashlee Craft

“I love you.” Said the tree that the owl lived in. “I am your home and you are always welcome here.”

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We Love You, Little Owl // New Children’s Book

We Love You, Little Owl by Ashlee CraftLittle Owl is having trouble going to sleep because he is scared and lonely. To make him feel better, all his nature friends around him tell him how he is loved.

Publish Date // March 26, 2016
Paperback 36 Pages
Genre // Juvenile Fiction – Bedtime Stories
Age Range // 1 – 8 Years
Themes // Owls, friendship, love

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Read Sample Chapter